Dear Blog,
I went for a hike today. There's a trail near my house, and I was so busy the last couple of years of high school that I hadn't been up there since winter break at the end of 2005. That was four years ago, just after the bad fires that came down the hill - and so many of the trees along the path were little more than bent and broken ash. Now, there are places where you can barely see the trail, the brush is crowding in so thick. But, aside from not tripping over my own feet, I didn't pay much attention to the trees and bushes. Last semester's geology class really made an impression on me, and all I could do was marvel at the rocks. It's one thing to look at nature - all the living things - but another to look at the non-living things. To look at rocks and to try to comprehend how old they are, and how detailed - and to remember that image of how big the universe is, and how small we are in comparison... I can only conclude that God is massive and mind-blowing - and how much he must care, to put so much detail into things so small.
I used to feel some reservation at being so fascinated by Geology. The class I took taught evolution as fact, and I can't accept evolution as science; there are too many holes in the theory where there should be hard evidence (that being said, an Evolutionist would say there is no hard evidence for God creating the earth either - but if God created the earth then he did it outside the rules of science, so that is neither here nor there). But I have a hard time accepting that the Earth is only 6,000 years old, as some Biblical scholars say. Because, the Bible also says that time is irrelevant to God - which is just plain logic - how could He be bound by something that He himself created? So, when I am taught that a rock is millions of years old, I am inclined to believe it. God is certainly older than that.
And I was thinking of all of these things on my hike, and feeling so small, and remembering something I read yesterday; that passage in Matthew 12 where Jesus declares his disciples and followers his mother and brothers. I always felt a little annoyed for the sake of his physical family... but I realized that I've been looking at it the wrong way. To be told - a mere human, so small! - that Jesus considers he (or in my case, she) who does his Father's will a sister... what undeserved honor! Because, since God is so huge and powerful and awe-ful... and I am so small...
My words fail me here.
Suffice it to say, I had a good walk today.
Love,
Judith
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Reflections on the Holiday
Dear Blog,
So, Christmas was good. It's been a lovely couple of lazy days sitting at home, reading and watching movies and just being around the family. I don't really have big plans for this break, except to read a lot and hopefully write some and definitely make a trip out to all the used bookstores I haven't been to yet.
I had an interesting thought about Christmas. It's like there's a separation in my mind between commercial Christmas and Christian Christmas - like it just so happens that the celebration of Jesus' birth and the decorated-tree-giving-gifts holiday both fall on the same day. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. There are so many aspects of the commercial side to the holiday that are anything but God-fearing, perhaps it is a good thing. I read an article recently on how the average family spends $800 on Christmas, and how there were churches encouraging families to spend less, and do more for others. Christmas is always associated with giving - in terms of also receiving from those to whom you give. I think it sounds wonderful, though, to begin to associate Christmas with real giving - just giving, no strings attached. Like, I kept thinking about the homeless this Christmas, and if anything is done for them. But, stupidly, hypocritically, I didn't actually do anything about that.
But it is something to think about for the future.
A little while ago I blogged about how much I would love to write but didn't have anything to write on. It was literally less than an hour later that I remembered a story I had begun over the summer but abandoned once school had started in favor of good grades, and completely forgotten about. It was a good story (so far) and I hadn't yet written myself into a corner, and I've been having fun with it since.
- Judith
So, Christmas was good. It's been a lovely couple of lazy days sitting at home, reading and watching movies and just being around the family. I don't really have big plans for this break, except to read a lot and hopefully write some and definitely make a trip out to all the used bookstores I haven't been to yet.
I had an interesting thought about Christmas. It's like there's a separation in my mind between commercial Christmas and Christian Christmas - like it just so happens that the celebration of Jesus' birth and the decorated-tree-giving-gifts holiday both fall on the same day. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. There are so many aspects of the commercial side to the holiday that are anything but God-fearing, perhaps it is a good thing. I read an article recently on how the average family spends $800 on Christmas, and how there were churches encouraging families to spend less, and do more for others. Christmas is always associated with giving - in terms of also receiving from those to whom you give. I think it sounds wonderful, though, to begin to associate Christmas with real giving - just giving, no strings attached. Like, I kept thinking about the homeless this Christmas, and if anything is done for them. But, stupidly, hypocritically, I didn't actually do anything about that.
But it is something to think about for the future.
A little while ago I blogged about how much I would love to write but didn't have anything to write on. It was literally less than an hour later that I remembered a story I had begun over the summer but abandoned once school had started in favor of good grades, and completely forgotten about. It was a good story (so far) and I hadn't yet written myself into a corner, and I've been having fun with it since.
- Judith
Monday, December 21, 2009
I have confidence in confidence alone...
Dear Blog,
I lack confidence. Duh. I think everybody knows that.
Once upon a time, I didn't. Once upon a time, I was a noisy, bossy, leader-type who never had trouble making friends and who never worried about what people thought of her.
I was also eight, and a lot has changed. A lot has changed me. Like, moving to a completely new country where everyone thinks you're crazy for doing things differently. Speak differently? Why would you do that? Eat food with a fork and a knife? What's the point? When people find out I'm was born in Scotland, it isn't the first time I've been asked, "Why?" Why was I born there? I don't know; why were you born in the USA? (Okay, I admit most people probably aren't thinking when they ask that question, and are assuming that I'm American... which is another issue for another day, and probably something I wouldn't ever blog about anyway).
Then, there was junior high. Two of my close friends were total bullies. And I'm more than one of those benefit-of-the-doubt people; I can't hold a grudge. And these girls were awful to me, and I just let them do it. By the time I made it to stuck-up, image-conscious Westlake Village, there was no saving what vestiges of confidence I had left. I was this odd mix of Scottish and American, not very pretty and with a fat lip. And people treated me like not only were those the first things they saw, but the were the only ones that mattered.
I've always adapted to these situations. Like now, for instance; I fit in with all the other freshman; I look like them and talk like them - no one would guess that there was anything different about me. But I'm not like them. I don't think like they do. Back when I was around people all the time, I never would have guessed that two years made such a difference. But two years away from society makes all the differences stand out.
I wish I could be confident. It's all great to know that I'm not, but I can't just magic up some confidence, no matter what that song from The Sound of Music says. My logic, which has served me so well these trying years, tells me that these people are in essence no different than myself, and its silly to be scared of people who probably aren't thinking the things that I think they're thinking about me. This precious piece of reasoning has helped me speak openly with doctors and approach teachers (you should have seen me freshman year of high school!). But still, I'm unable to be free around other people.
Like tonight, for instance. I was around a group from church - a lot of people whom I've known for years. We would chat a little, but then the conversation was over and I was lost, standing the middle of a big group of people, with nothing to say or do. When I was eight, I would have asserted myself; I would have kept the conversation up, or pushed my way into another group. I can't do that now; I can't shake the impression that if others aren't seeking me out, then they don't want to talk to me. And I know that's not true, but that doesn't make the strange emotion go away.
So what do I do? I was not born shy. But now, I have no close friends at school - just a handful of people I talk to every so often. I've made it to twenty and never so much as been asked out on a date. I have been content to be on my own, but now that I'm out amongst people again, I'm seeing all that they have and coveting it. I want close friends who do fun and spontaneous things. I want to be standing in a group of people and feel like an actual part of it.
This makes me sound like my life sucks a great deal more than it does. I know that I'll make friends eventually, and that it's just taking some time. I know that the kids from church are sometimes clique-ish because they've known each other for so many years - and it doesn't occur to them that the newer kids are being left out. I don't blame anyone, because no one is at fault here. I don't go to bed and cry about this every night; I probably don't really think about it more than once a week. I don't go through the years of my life and wonder what I could have done differently. I don't sit and beat myself up, either.
It's just been on my mind.
I wonder what other character traits are shaped so much more by experience than we realize? It's the old nature vs. nurture argument; the answer is probably different for everyone. So I sign off this blog having ranted some, and feeling a lot better for it.
- Judith
I lack confidence. Duh. I think everybody knows that.
Once upon a time, I didn't. Once upon a time, I was a noisy, bossy, leader-type who never had trouble making friends and who never worried about what people thought of her.
I was also eight, and a lot has changed. A lot has changed me. Like, moving to a completely new country where everyone thinks you're crazy for doing things differently. Speak differently? Why would you do that? Eat food with a fork and a knife? What's the point? When people find out I'm was born in Scotland, it isn't the first time I've been asked, "Why?" Why was I born there? I don't know; why were you born in the USA? (Okay, I admit most people probably aren't thinking when they ask that question, and are assuming that I'm American... which is another issue for another day, and probably something I wouldn't ever blog about anyway).
Then, there was junior high. Two of my close friends were total bullies. And I'm more than one of those benefit-of-the-doubt people; I can't hold a grudge. And these girls were awful to me, and I just let them do it. By the time I made it to stuck-up, image-conscious Westlake Village, there was no saving what vestiges of confidence I had left. I was this odd mix of Scottish and American, not very pretty and with a fat lip. And people treated me like not only were those the first things they saw, but the were the only ones that mattered.
I've always adapted to these situations. Like now, for instance; I fit in with all the other freshman; I look like them and talk like them - no one would guess that there was anything different about me. But I'm not like them. I don't think like they do. Back when I was around people all the time, I never would have guessed that two years made such a difference. But two years away from society makes all the differences stand out.
I wish I could be confident. It's all great to know that I'm not, but I can't just magic up some confidence, no matter what that song from The Sound of Music says. My logic, which has served me so well these trying years, tells me that these people are in essence no different than myself, and its silly to be scared of people who probably aren't thinking the things that I think they're thinking about me. This precious piece of reasoning has helped me speak openly with doctors and approach teachers (you should have seen me freshman year of high school!). But still, I'm unable to be free around other people.
Like tonight, for instance. I was around a group from church - a lot of people whom I've known for years. We would chat a little, but then the conversation was over and I was lost, standing the middle of a big group of people, with nothing to say or do. When I was eight, I would have asserted myself; I would have kept the conversation up, or pushed my way into another group. I can't do that now; I can't shake the impression that if others aren't seeking me out, then they don't want to talk to me. And I know that's not true, but that doesn't make the strange emotion go away.
So what do I do? I was not born shy. But now, I have no close friends at school - just a handful of people I talk to every so often. I've made it to twenty and never so much as been asked out on a date. I have been content to be on my own, but now that I'm out amongst people again, I'm seeing all that they have and coveting it. I want close friends who do fun and spontaneous things. I want to be standing in a group of people and feel like an actual part of it.
This makes me sound like my life sucks a great deal more than it does. I know that I'll make friends eventually, and that it's just taking some time. I know that the kids from church are sometimes clique-ish because they've known each other for so many years - and it doesn't occur to them that the newer kids are being left out. I don't blame anyone, because no one is at fault here. I don't go to bed and cry about this every night; I probably don't really think about it more than once a week. I don't go through the years of my life and wonder what I could have done differently. I don't sit and beat myself up, either.
It's just been on my mind.
I wonder what other character traits are shaped so much more by experience than we realize? It's the old nature vs. nurture argument; the answer is probably different for everyone. So I sign off this blog having ranted some, and feeling a lot better for it.
- Judith
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Blank
Dear Blog,
I have a quandry. I like to write. I want to do it more often.
I have nothing to write about. No good ideas, nothing more than fragments with no characters and no plot and, frankly, that's not worth much. So, I haven't been sitting down to write, because I'm stuck.
This may be what they call writers block.
I've been reading more often, now that my homework load has lessened, and usually that gets my subconscious firing on all pistons, coming up with all kinds of cool stuff. I haven't been coming up with things this time... probably because I'm really pretty tired, now that the semester is winding down.
Tired, and triumphant. I was so certain I wasn't going to make it past the second week of school; I made it all the way through the first semester, and things are looking good for next semester too. Things have been really good, actually. I'm no normal 20-year-old, but I'm no invalid either.
But anyway, if anyone can pull me out of my unable-to-write funk, feel free to try. Please. I'm going nuts here.
Judith
I have a quandry. I like to write. I want to do it more often.
I have nothing to write about. No good ideas, nothing more than fragments with no characters and no plot and, frankly, that's not worth much. So, I haven't been sitting down to write, because I'm stuck.
This may be what they call writers block.
I've been reading more often, now that my homework load has lessened, and usually that gets my subconscious firing on all pistons, coming up with all kinds of cool stuff. I haven't been coming up with things this time... probably because I'm really pretty tired, now that the semester is winding down.
Tired, and triumphant. I was so certain I wasn't going to make it past the second week of school; I made it all the way through the first semester, and things are looking good for next semester too. Things have been really good, actually. I'm no normal 20-year-old, but I'm no invalid either.
But anyway, if anyone can pull me out of my unable-to-write funk, feel free to try. Please. I'm going nuts here.
Judith
Sunday, December 13, 2009
My Brain Is Melting
Dear Blog,
So... finals. Yeah. I've been studying. Probably wasn't all that smart to leave it until this weekend to start though. Not too worried about Politics; he curves that class so massively anyway. HumTut... I have no idea how I'm going to manage to stuff all that information into my head.
Or how I'm going to write three essays tomorrow. My wrists hurt from all the typing/writing I've been doing to review. I suppose the answer to that is to stop typing/writing... but I like my method! *Pouts*
Going to church this morning in the first time in forever. I've been attending the evening services at Cornerstone, but noticing more and more how hard it is to meet people in a place so big. It's silly, to be all, "I have no Christian friends" when I do, I'm just not attending their church. So, I'm going this morning.
On that note, I should probably go get ready. And stop typing; my wrists hurt again.
Love,
Judith
So... finals. Yeah. I've been studying. Probably wasn't all that smart to leave it until this weekend to start though. Not too worried about Politics; he curves that class so massively anyway. HumTut... I have no idea how I'm going to manage to stuff all that information into my head.
Or how I'm going to write three essays tomorrow. My wrists hurt from all the typing/writing I've been doing to review. I suppose the answer to that is to stop typing/writing... but I like my method! *Pouts*
Going to church this morning in the first time in forever. I've been attending the evening services at Cornerstone, but noticing more and more how hard it is to meet people in a place so big. It's silly, to be all, "I have no Christian friends" when I do, I'm just not attending their church. So, I'm going this morning.
On that note, I should probably go get ready. And stop typing; my wrists hurt again.
Love,
Judith
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Southern California is broken
Dear Blog,
I took my first final today. It was my lab final, and it wasn't as bad as I had worried. I finished in an hour and a half, which is half the time I would have gotten if I had requested my extended test time for that test (I didn't, but I do have extended time on my other three finals).
It was, however, incredibly cold. Not as cold as it gets in other places, I'm sure, but that sort of cold where it feels just like all of the other colds, and all you care about is getting inside and getting your hands warm. I got home a half hour ago, and my hands are still warming up. What's up with this, Southern California? What did we do wrong?
I'm supposed to be reading a chapter for Geology - all about folds and other geologic structures (I don't quite know what they are yet, since I haven't read that far in the chapter). But I just had to write, because I had a really great day today, despite the final and the cold. I got to hang out with some ridiculously cool people, and I went to Not for Sale - I seriously feel so at ease there, more than I have anywhere else since high school. I went to Cal Lutheran as my back-up, last choice school, and it's seriously a perfect fit for me. How cool is that? God has been providing for me so much recently.
Off to learn about overturned and recumbent folds.
- Judith
I took my first final today. It was my lab final, and it wasn't as bad as I had worried. I finished in an hour and a half, which is half the time I would have gotten if I had requested my extended test time for that test (I didn't, but I do have extended time on my other three finals).
It was, however, incredibly cold. Not as cold as it gets in other places, I'm sure, but that sort of cold where it feels just like all of the other colds, and all you care about is getting inside and getting your hands warm. I got home a half hour ago, and my hands are still warming up. What's up with this, Southern California? What did we do wrong?
I'm supposed to be reading a chapter for Geology - all about folds and other geologic structures (I don't quite know what they are yet, since I haven't read that far in the chapter). But I just had to write, because I had a really great day today, despite the final and the cold. I got to hang out with some ridiculously cool people, and I went to Not for Sale - I seriously feel so at ease there, more than I have anywhere else since high school. I went to Cal Lutheran as my back-up, last choice school, and it's seriously a perfect fit for me. How cool is that? God has been providing for me so much recently.
Off to learn about overturned and recumbent folds.
- Judith
Sunday, December 6, 2009
On Frustration
Dear Blog,
I've been going to church my whole life. So why are there still all of these questions I struggle to answer?
The fact is this: I know where I can find the answers. It would not be the first time I'd read the Bible cover to cover. And I know that every time I read it, it makes more sense. It's not all just about frivolous things... "Don't steal because it's bad." It's stuff that takes a while to digest; significant statements about the way God made the world and our place in it, in relation to Him. The sort of stuff that takes time and mulling and digestion and serious study, usually for as many years as you are alive.
So, why on earth do people who call themselves Christians not read it? I get that what I just said implies that it's a tough read - which it is - but it's the most significant thing you'll ever read in your life! And if you don't read it, then the things you build your faith on are simply the things that other people have told you to build your faith on - things that will end up being based on those animal desires and ways we want to fight against God. Because if you don't read it to know exactly what you believe in, then you know that Satan will of course grab up that opportunity to mislead you. And we are told not to "give the devil a foothold."
Though, you wouldn't know that if you didn't read your Bible.
I get the impression that if Christians read their Bible - and tried their level best to leave their interpretations of it uninfluenced by those things other people have told them to believe - then people wouldn't be so antagonistic toward the Church. In fact, it might be the kind of place people in pain or uncertainty seek out, as it ought to be.
This is the moment for a big sigh. All those visions of what ought to be - so easy to see - compared to all the things that really are...
I've been going to church my whole life. So why are there still all of these questions I struggle to answer?
The fact is this: I know where I can find the answers. It would not be the first time I'd read the Bible cover to cover. And I know that every time I read it, it makes more sense. It's not all just about frivolous things... "Don't steal because it's bad." It's stuff that takes a while to digest; significant statements about the way God made the world and our place in it, in relation to Him. The sort of stuff that takes time and mulling and digestion and serious study, usually for as many years as you are alive.
So, why on earth do people who call themselves Christians not read it? I get that what I just said implies that it's a tough read - which it is - but it's the most significant thing you'll ever read in your life! And if you don't read it, then the things you build your faith on are simply the things that other people have told you to build your faith on - things that will end up being based on those animal desires and ways we want to fight against God. Because if you don't read it to know exactly what you believe in, then you know that Satan will of course grab up that opportunity to mislead you. And we are told not to "give the devil a foothold."
Though, you wouldn't know that if you didn't read your Bible.
I get the impression that if Christians read their Bible - and tried their level best to leave their interpretations of it uninfluenced by those things other people have told them to believe - then people wouldn't be so antagonistic toward the Church. In fact, it might be the kind of place people in pain or uncertainty seek out, as it ought to be.
This is the moment for a big sigh. All those visions of what ought to be - so easy to see - compared to all the things that really are...
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