A look ahead: or, don't read this, it's boring

I am tired.  Chances are, you knew that already.

I have lofty goals.  I want to write everyday.  I want to soak up books like a sunbather soaks up UV rays (that metaphor needs some work).  I want to get an hour's exercise every day.  I want to learn how to cook for myself - meals that are nutritionally balance, since if left to myself I don't do that. 

But, right now, I am tired, and none of this is happening.  I think I'm sick too, which puts a wrench in everything.

I have three weeks left of school: 2 papers to write and two final projects (none of which have been assigned yet), an entire play to read, as well as numerous short stories and a political/philosophical musing, and four finals to study for.  I have golf early on Tuesday mornings.

And once I'm done with all that, I'm packing up - because we're moving!

Hume

was fantastic.  It's such a great place to be, as far as getting away from the world, and they're so focused and so enthusiastic about getting people more in love with God - I love it there.

I survived the whole weekend too!  I had a long nap Saturday afternoon, which was probably the best thing I could have done for myself.  I was pretty out of it most of Sunday though; my body only seemed to perk up with little fits and starts of adrenaline, where one moment I could hop out of the van and run around, and the next I could barely lift my head from my pillow against the window.  If there was a single bad bit to the weekend, it was the awkwardness of how visible my disease was - how tired and unsociable it can make me, and how many times I wondered if people believed me when I said I couldn't keep going, or if they thought I was just begging for attention.

And I'm really glad I went.  The sermons, if nothing else (and they were plenty else) were encouraging, and the seminar was so practical for me: it dealt with the common assertion that Jesus never claimed to be God (which He clearly does) and how to refute that.  I'm really glad I got to spend time with my college group, who are really the only people I ever hang out with outside of classes and the occasional weekend my high school friends are home.  And they're all such cool and interesting people, and so easy to get along with.  Maybe that was because it was only a short trip - only two and half days!  It's worth the drive up and the two and a half days just to see the scenery around Hume.  I didn't take many pictures this time, but it was just too pretty to spoil with a camera; I just wanted to soak it all in.

I managed to spend all the money I took with me that weekend (oops!), and I've accumulated quite the collection of bruises (the over-tired double-oops!), and I've spent the past couple of days doing as little as I can get away with to let my body recover (my body which was already running on steam by the time the weekend came, having just completed midterms).  I don't think spring break could have come at a better time.

I think I've committed the heinous crime of changing tenses during the middle of a single piece of writing, but I'm going to leave it now, and just stop writing instead.

I'm not used to this kind of load...

I got through last week - to be fair, I have no idea how - and I'm trying (trying!) not to be overwhelmed.  There's really no reason for me to be overwhelmed with my work.  I don't have all that much to do...

But so many commitments!  Monday, classes all day.  Tuesday, tabling for Not for Sale (twice!).  Wednesday I get a break - but probably not, because that's likely going to be the day before I take my Shakespeare midterm (and if not, the day before the day before).  Thursday I'll have class, likely a midterm, and the Morning Glory reading.  And Friday, I'll either be leaving for Unite at 8:45, or taking a midterm at 9 and leaving for Unite at 11 (this is the most stressful, because in that scenario Mum would have to drive me up, and I really don't want to have to ask her to do that, but the rest of my group aren't willing to leave later for me - and really, as only one out of eight people, I can't ask them to).

Then I'll have a whole, fun, crazy, no-sleep weekend at Hume, and spring break afterward.  But until then, so many little bits and pieces to get sorted out.  Like this paper I'm not currently outlining (which I should be) and the midterm I've not yet studied for (which I don't actually know when I'm taking).

But, like I said, not getting overwhelmed.

No sirree, Bob.  No point in that.

Midterms are here

And I'd just rather sleep through them.

I spent all afternoon studying... when I wasn't napping.  Art History tomorrow... and seriously, how many David's, Virgin and Child Enthroned's, and Last Supper's are there out there?

And pretty, pretty please don't ask what paint or method was used on the test.  I can tell the difference between a fresco and a non-fresco... and that's about it.

This is going to be fun.

I hate that it’s taken twenty-one years for me to realize how mean I can be.  I knew before that I could say careless things to people and not realize how much those things would hurt – but I had no idea until recently how much I did it.  It was just last week, I was talking to someone, and all of a sudden – wow, I sound so arrogant right now.  I’ve done it to classmates, to my parents far too often, to my sister just now, and I hate it because I know it’s wrong, and it’s not the type of person I want to be.
    The worst part is, I keep seeing myself do this over and over again, and I’m powerless to stop it.  It’s like watching an accident in slow motion; as the words leave my mouth, I know how hurtful they could be – and maybe they’re not – but maybe they cut deeper than I realize.  I know the power of words, the power in connotation and implication and how a well-formed sentence can mean so much more than the literal meanings of the words within it.  I suppose, conversely, I know the power of words in a carelessly formed sentence, because they take on meanings I did not intend.
    What it comes down to, is the fact that I don’t think before I speak.  Most of the time, I don’t mean to come off sounding as horrible as I do.  Or as critical.  Or as uppity.  And the more I see this – and I’m seeing this day in and day out now – the more I want to change.
    But you know me; it’s been twenty-one years, and I still have not learned to shut up.  Learning to control my tongue is so much harder than I imagined.  I love finding myself in a situation where I’m not required to say anything, or some minimal interaction I can’t get wrong, because then I can live in my head (which is probably too much of the problem as well) and not worry about hurting people.  But, I’ve got to emerge into the real world some time – and when I do, I’ve got to participate in the real world.  And that means the possibility of hurting someone. 
    So this is an apology, on a blog very rarely read, to the people I have been hurting not just recently, but all the time.  I want to apologize for taking so long to realize the effect my actions had on other people (another slow step toward maturity, I hope), and I want to apologize for hurting you, or offending you, or being just plain careless.  Because, in my thoughts, as I work, I am not a careless person – and I should not be a careless person with my words either.

Resolution

I've come to the conclusion that I don't write enough.  Or read enough.  I talk about doing both of them often enough, but in the end I watch Castle on Hulu instead of actually doing something useful with my free time.

So, I aim to remedy this.  I have a book to finish by Sunday, so wish me luck on that, and the due date for the Morning Glory is on Monday, so if you want to do a proof read of my pieces, please volunteer!

And, hopefully, I actually do some reading and writing work beyond that.  Because I love books, but I can't celebrate them nearly so much as I could if I read them as often as I should.  I won't improve as a writer unless I write more and more.

So, there.

Happy

I've been incredibly busy lately, but strangely and incurably happy.  Things are working.  I'm tired, but not despairing, and I'm working hard, but enjoying every minute of it.  Everything I'm studying I love.  And when I'm not studying, I'm reading and writing.  In short, I'm happy.

It's only going to get busier from here on in - so I don't know when I'll blog next.  This probably isn't a bad thing - I tend to write incredibly repetitive things.

In other, non-repetitive news, I find myself a very big fan of Emily Dickinson's work.  I love reading her work and noticing the range of things she love and writes about - she's famous for her poems imagining death, but with 1200 poems and a variety of subjects, they read like her diary. 

However, Walt Whitman I find pretentious, and his work bores me to death.  That's the thing with Dickinson - she didn't want people to read her work, and wrote for herself and so there is no pretension or artifice.  She simply seeks to best express what she sees and feels, and does it beautifully.

I have to finish watching "Frida" for my honors international-studies class.  Basically, half the class is reading, and half is watching movies.  It's my honors course, and it's my lightest workload!

Who needs a title, anyway?

So, three days of my school, so far, and I'm swamped.

Well, not swamped.  Not completely.  I'm not overwhelmed with the work I have to do.  But, it is a lot - far more than what I had to do last semester - and I cannot put it off the way I did last semester.  I don't intend to.  However, my focus wanes, so my success remains to be seen.

It's really nice not starting classes until 11, though (save for Tuesday).  I'm enjoying getting up, having slept well (because I'm being diligent and going to bed before 11pm) and having time to tidy my room and read my Bible and not look sloppy when I leave the house.  I really enjoy having the time to read my Bible, actually.  I'm not very good at getting that done, if I don't set a time for it - as with all things, there are so many distractions.  And while some days I don't feel like I'm getting something from it (though, who am I to be telling God what he should be telling me?), something is happening, because on days like these past three days, I think differently.  Just a tiny bit less self-centeredly, which for me is a massive improvement.

Because, hate it as I do, left untempered, I am massively self-centered.

I also use a lot of commas.

Last Day of Freedom

Really, these are my last couple of hours of freedom, before I go to bed to sleep away as much of my tiredness as I can, because tomorrow school resumes.  This is not necessarily a bad thing; I love school, and I love the classes I'll be taking (I'm not getting ahead of myself here: I loved American Lit 1 - for 2 I will have the same professor; I'm taking a class on Shakespeare, which every tells me will kick my butt but which I don't mind, because I love Shakespeare; I'm taking Art History and an international studies/politics based honors course, and golf.  Seriously, what's not to love?)

I'm going to have a hard time readjusting to getting work done, to being time efficient, and energy efficient (as in, my body's energy level, though I've been watching so many movies on my laptop, I haven't been very electrical-energy efficient either).  In this way, today is my last day of freedom.

I got maybe half of what I intended to accomplish this winter break done, and almost all of it was reading books (not like that's a bad thing).  So, it's not been too boring a break.  But this past week has been ridiculously boring.  Painfully boring.  So, freedom isn't all it's cracked up to be.

Next time I blog, I'll be nose to the grindstone.

I feel like I maybe screwed that phrase up.

By the way...

While I remember:

I successfully fried an egg!

I don't know if that makes me grown up or anything like that, but it does make me happy, so I'll take it.

I also, while we're on the topic of achievements, drove all the way down to my doctor's at USC (with Dad in the car, but it's the first time I've ever driven so far!).

Thought you might want to be egotistical and proud with me, for a minute or two.

New Year

So, this is my first post of 2011.  I had intended to post five days ago, but I guess old habits are hard to break.  I've got a lot going on this coming year, which is pretty exciting, and I don't really have any resolutions this time around.  I'm trying to eat healthier, which I'm always trying to do, and I'm trying to get exercise to help deal with the pain (and to get rid of some pesky muffin top), but beyond that there's not a whole lot I'm trying to change about myself.  I've never successfully kept a resolution anyway, so I'm not big on wasting my time on them.

I'm reading a lot of books this winter break, which has been really nice. I love books.  I miss books during the school semester when I'm too swamped to read much.  I can't wait to read more books.  If I do have a New Years resolution, it's more of a new semester resolution - to be more organized and better at time management, such that I actually get to read instead of spend all of my free time scrambling to get assignments done.

I suppose if I have another resolution, it's another one of those ongoing ones - to not waste so much money.  It's too easy, and I'm too good at it.  I'm not exactly planning on entering a field where I'll make bank, and I'm not exactly in a position, as a jobless college student, to be spending frivolously.

So, I'll let you know how this all works out.

Oh, and another resolution:

Find something interesting to write about in my blog posts.