I would like to point out...

That I am very well aware of how privileged I am.

I am very well aware that my illness could have been far more grave.

I just wish people would understand that I did not live through the flu, I lived through something far worse.

I'll return to Melville now.  Which, by the way, my computer autocorrects to "Melvin."  Not like he's one of the greatest American authors of all time, or anything.

How my inability to fry an egg reveals my deepest insecurities...

 I love eggs.  Breakfast lunch or dinner, I’ll eat them any time.  Hard boiled, soft boiled, scrambled, poached - count me in.
    I cannot, however, fry an egg.  I can cook them any other way, no problem.  Cooking an egg is a pretty simple process.
    Frying one?  For whatever reason, that eludes me.  I always spray the pan - but sometimes I don’t let it heat up long enough, or I try to flip the egg to early, or I haven’t wiggled the spatula far enough under the egg and it folds over on itself or the yolk breaks.  Sometimes it comes out too runny - and I don’t like runny eggs - or sometimes it comes out overcooked.  This should be one of the simplest meals in the world, and I cannot get it right.  I rarely bother to make one if my mother is not home and handy to rescue my lunch from whatever runny fried fate is its due.
    There are lots of things I can do.  I can do laundry, I can clean a house with the best of them.  I’m on the dean’s list at school and I’ve never had a traffic violation or parking ticket.  But every time I fail to fry that egg just right, I feel like an imposter.
    Twenty one years old, Judith, and you’re not yet grown up.  All your friends are living out of their parents houses, taking care of themselves.  Even your little sister has her own place!  And you can’t even fry a silly little egg. 
    A short conversation with some in my acquaintance and you’ll get the impression that they share this sentiment, though for different reasons.  I have not left home, I have not partied, I have not pulled an all-nighter, I have not had a boyfriend, I have not done all of the college-y things you’re “supposed” to do - and to them, I have not had adequate life experience to merit the title of “grown up.”
    At twenty one, I doubt anyone is fully “grown up,” but responsible, perhaps, mature, certainly, they can be.
    I may not be able to fry an egg, but I have life experience.  Not all paths to “grown-up” dom are the same; how could they be?  I - a straight A, five Advanced Placement classes, top band in school, academic nerd - was forced to drop out of high school and finish up my education on independent study - in standard level classes.  I did not attend prom or graduation; does missing out on those “essential” life experiences count as its own form of experience?  I have felt and dealt with loneliness, living an entire year house bound - bed bound, in fact.  I, an avid reader, had to give up books, in favor of the overwhelming migraines that would overtake me. 
    I fought for my life.  Maybe not a matter of death, but life as a matter of being able to go out and live - instead of simply sitting around, barely able to think, doing nothing more than existing.  I had to summon whatever strength I had - and it certainly was not physical, and not much mental strength either - to endure endless doctors trips, to keep trying new medications.  I went to yoga and physical therapy and even though I could barely walk, I began to exercise, because I was told it might help me.  I had to find, somewhere in me, a determination to get better - despite the chances that I may never have been well enough to attend college, never have been well enough to have any social contact outside of my family, and the depressing statistics that say I will live with my disease for the rest of my life, and relapse is inevitable.
    So maybe I cannot fry an egg, but I have life experience.  Maybe I don’t drink very often (rarely, actually) and maybe I don’t like to party, or stay out all night, or waste money on clothes and movies and things like that; but in the two years I spent recovering from rock bottom, one year of which I spent hardly able to move, I grew up, and I realized that those things are not the hallmarks of a grown up, but simply the hallmarks of a newly “free” college kid who thinks that, because they are free to make those choices, they are grown up.
    I have to choose how I spend what precious energy I have.  I have to choose what is most important - and every time, I end up choosing responsibility, because it means that I will have energy tomorrow, that I will be able to continue to fight my disease.  Freedom is not what being grown up is all about - maturity and responsibility is.
    I accept that I may not be completely mature, but I think I’m fairly responsible.  If I were physically well enough to move out of my parents house right now - to do all of my own cooking and cleaning, on top of school and other responsibilities - I could, mentally and emotionally, handle it.  I would make good choices. 
   

Judith writes about writing... again

On Friday, I had a break in the SUB, and so I sat down with my notebook and began to write for my Nonfiction Writing final portfolio.  I did not really know what I was going to write.

All I knew, in fact, was that at that moment, I really wanted to go to the beach.

I still do.

It became this story - which is getting longer every time I visit it - of my love for the sea.  It became the tale of how I have never been landlocked, of how both of my grandfather's appreciated the coast, of how I am terrified of fish yet think the harsh rhythm-less timpani of waves is one of the most beautiful sounds in the world.

I have not been writing as much as I ought to have been in recent years.  I used to sit down and write nearly every day, every time I felt like it.  Then high school happened - and since then, I have had to make a conscious effort to get the words out of me, where it used to come so naturally to me.  Even doing National Novel Writing Month in November was still an effort and a struggle.  So, I appreciate moments like Friday, and this afternoon, and last night at one in the morning as I was convincing myself to go to bed, when a story will just not leave me alone, and where I cannot, as hard as I try, push it away.

Moments like those make me wonder if maybe I am a writer, after all.

I should probably be doing homework or writing or something but...

Bet you've seen this one before:

Have you read more than 6 of these books? The BBC believes most people will have read only 6 of the 100 books listed here.

 Instructions: Bold those books you've read in their entirety. Italicize the ones you started but did not completely finish.

1 Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen

2 The Lord of the Rings (3) - JRR Tolkien

3 Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte

4 Harry Potter series (7) - JK Rowling

5 To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee

6 The Bible
        
7 Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte

8 Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell

9 His Dark Materials (3) - Philip Pullman

10 Great Expectations - Charles Dickens

11 Little Women - Louisa M Alcott

12 Tess of the D’Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy

13 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller

14 Complete Works of Shakespeare

15 Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier

16 The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien

17 Birdsong - Sebastian Faulk

18 Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger

19 The Time Traveler’s Wife - Audrey Niffenegger

20 Middlemarch - George Eliot

21 Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell

22 The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald

23 We lost 23 apparently

24 War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy

25 The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams

26 Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh

27 Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky

28 Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck

29 Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll

30 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame

31 Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy

32 David Copperfield - Charles Dickens

33 Chronicles of Narnia (7) - CS Lewis

34 Emma -Jane Austen

35 Persuasion - Jane Austen

36 The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe - CS Lewis

37 The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini

38 Captain Corelli’s Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres

39 Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden

40 Winnie the Pooh - A.A. Milne

41 Animal Farm - George Orwell

42 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown

43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez

44 A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving

45 The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins

46 Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery

47 Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy

48 The Handmaid’s Tale - Margaret Atwood

49 Lord of the Flies - William Golding

50 Atonement - Ian McEwan

51 Life of Pi - Yann Martel

52 Dune - Frank Herbert

53 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons

54 Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen

55 A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth

56 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon

57 A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens

58 Brave New World - Aldous Huxley

59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon

60 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
 
61 Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck

62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov

63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt

64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold

65 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas

66 On The Road - Jack Kerouac

67 Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy

68 Bridget Jones’s Diary - Helen Fielding

69 Midnight’s Children - Salman Rushdie

70 Moby Dick - Herman Melville

71 Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens

72 Dracula - Bram Stoker

73 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett

74 Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson

75 Ulysses - James Joyce

76 The Inferno - Dante

77 Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome

78 Germinal - Emile Zola

79 Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray

80 Possession - AS Byatt

81 A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens

82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell

83 The Color Purple - Alice Walker

84 The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro

85 Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert

86 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry

87 Charlotte’s Web - E.B. White

88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom

89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

90 The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton

91 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad

92 The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery

93 The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks

94 Watership Down - Richard Adams

95 A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole

96 A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute

97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas

98 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl

99  Les Miserables - Victor Hugo

100 Frankenstein - Mary Shelly


Total: 43 read
I should note that many I haven't read I do actually own, and intend to read.  Perhaps I'll make this my New Year's resolution: to read all of these (with the exception of finishing the complete works of Shakespeare - it seems a bit unrealistic.)

A Thanksgiving Thought

I love my Mum.  This whole month, whenever I'm wandering around the house looking lost or lazy, the first words out of her mouth are not "Don't you have homework to do?" but "Don't you have some NaNoWriMo to do?"

My parents have supported me from day one on the whole wanting to write thing.  I've always known that I would be studying English when I got to college, though my goals are less to be an author and more to have a career doing the things I love - which has always been my parents philosophy.  Bekah wants to be a music major?  Fine.  She had better practice - she had better really want it - and she had better understand what that will mean in terms of future lifestyle, but we'll support her.  You want to be an author?  We can see that you love to read and write (from the moment you could talk you were telling stories!) and so long as I continued to write and be enthusiastic about words my parents never said I was being silly.  When Bekah changed her major, they supported her - cautioned her against making rash decisions - but encouraged her to make sure that, whatever she was doing, she was doing what she loved.  And you can tell; she loves what she's doing.  I'm sure whatever Philip chooses to study, my parents will be right behind him, as long as they know his heart and motivations are in the right place.

So, when I first did National Novel Writing Month back in 2008, Mum did not say much, except "Don't stress yourself out" (I was really sick then), and "It's okay to give up if you can't manage."  But if she found me watching Scrubs when I was alert and coherent enough to be writing?  "Don't you have your novel to work on?"  Same with the next year.  And this year, even though I'm actually in school now and have other commitments that are supposed to come first.

Speaking of those commitments that are supposed to come first, I've yet to do any of my homework for this Thanksgiving break.  But I've written nearly 8,000 words in the past two days - at the encouragement of my Mum.

So, all this to say, I'm thankful for the way my parents raised me.  I'm not perfect, and I'm sure they're not either - but they allow me to do what I love, and more than just allow, they support and encourage me in it. 

Good things

I've been incredibly tired recently.  Really, terribly, incredibly tired.

But good things have been happening.

Like just absolutely loving the Herman Melville piece we're reading in American Lit.  It just makes my brain tingle, and reminds me why I'm an English major, instead of something practical.

And like being some 10,000 words behind on my novel for National Novel Writing Month, but still feeling really good about the story, and when I am awake enough to sit down and write, I'm hardly able to stop myself.  That feels really good.

And my room's almost done!  I got my chair today, and I've got the pinboard up, and it looks like a real room now, and I've only got a few things left to do.

I have chewy cars from Ikea.  Seriously good candy.  Seriously good. 

I watched Babe this afternoon.  For the first time in years - probably since we've moved to America.  I thoroughly believe that my childhood was the golden era of kids movies.  That thing is incredible.

Even though Max is probably dying and it's been six months and Grandma still isn't out of the hospital and even though I hurt everywhere and this sinus infection won't go away, there are worship songs on my iPod that can't stop making me smile and sing really loudly (and off key) in my car. 

So, good things are happening.  Even when it's tipping with rain outside or my heart, it seems like there's always something good happening.

Dilemma

So, I'm sick.

Guess what?  It's a sinus infection.  My, why, that sounds similar - doesn't it?  Well, yes, yes it does.  It's what I had a month ago.  And two weeks ago.  It's the excuse I used when I cancelled on you last weekend.

I was operating under the mistaken belief that my immune system was improving.  I am now not operating at all.

Here's the dilemma:  I am a sniffling, hacking, flem-y, snotty mess, who just happens to be required to attend the school play for her beginning acting class.  I could have gone last week - but I was a bit sick, and that's a bit rude.  So, now I have to go this week - but as a sniffling, hacking, flem-y, snotty mess, I will be that awful person in the back being disruptive the whole show because she's sick.

I don't know if my grade is good enough to just not go.  And I doubt that if I email my professor over the weekend, he will respond.  Which leaves me in the lurch, because Sunday is the last performance of the show.

Mum has councilled me from overseas with advice to take cough syrup and mucinex just an hour before the show starts, and to have plenty of water and cough drops on hand (actually, she suggested a hot chocolate, but we aren't allowed food or drinks in the theatre...)...  I still see this going down badly.

So, even though the people whom I am going to annoy this evening are unlikely to read this blog, I want to take this moment to apologize in advance for ruining your evening.  You know how it goes; my grade depends on it.

Strangely unmotivated

So, I'm way behind on NaNoWriMo.  Crazy thing is, I'm not worried.  I've got plenty of time, and a pretty low-stress work-load right now (which is incredible).  Even though I know if I keep telling myself that, pretty soon I will run out of time.  I'm just feeling pretty sick, and tired, and not in the mood to write. 

Which is stupid, because there is rarely such a thing as a "mood to write" and if I want to be even a passingly good writer, I need to get past that attitude.

I'm skipping Spanish tomorrow so I can sleep in and hopefully sleep off some of this cold.  So, I'll stay up just a smidgeon later and try to recoup some of the time I wasted this afternoon in catching up on my novel writing.

Seven years ago...

We sat with our backs against the wall - stained and old, the creamy color of the original seventies paint peeling - and our bums on the painted orange concrete floor, legs stretched out in front, stomachs doubled and chests heaving.  Laughing had never felt so good.
    Melinda tapped my knee with her - thankfully - half-empty water bottle.  “Bang!”
    “Meh! No!”  I launched a cracker at her.  She ducked, and it narrowly missed her black curls.
    “Ritz!”
    “You’re rich?”  We laughed harder.  It didn’t even make sense.
    Lara sat underneath the fire extinguisher, shaking her head and trying to chop up a meatball.  “You guys are insane.”
    “No we’re not.”  Yes, we were. 
    The cafeteria at Westlake High School was old and grungy and something special.  It just screamed of the seventies during which it was built, all orange and smoke-dinged.  The clock never worked.  The tiny lunch line spoke volumes for the growth of the school over the years; they had to add two lunch carts out in the quad for extra coverage. 
    Ever since the fires that October, when the air had been too bad to sit outside, Melinda (“Duh”) and Lara (“Blah”) and I (“Ditch”) had taken refuge next to the cafeteria doors, along the wall, under the fire extinguisher.  Sometimes Ty or Michael would join us, but for the most part it was just the “Three Amigas" -
    “The Three musketeers!”  Melinda, “the Frenchie," had supplied.
    “The Three Blind Mice!”  Lara quoted a not-so-funny television show on the too-young-for us Disney Channel.  But it was okay; we were having too much fun.
    The actual tables in the cafeteria were usually occupied with anime freaks and wannabe gangsters, so it was always loud, and when the girls bathroom didn’t smell of cookies or brownies (because it was irreverently placed next to the kitchen), it reeked of pot.  But we loved our corner.  We were our own unit; three band kids, all new that year, so different and yet we got along so well.  We’re still close today.
    From somewhere near the doors to the theatre - seriously, who designed this place? - a cell phone would emerge, and a number would be speed dialed at exactly 12:30p.m....
    BRI-II-ING! The pay phone only a yard away would startle us from our mirth.  We always knew it was coming, but every day without fail we jumped.  A few seats over from the pay phone prankster, someone opened a baggie lovingly packed with grapes and strawberries by a caring mother.  The fruit was never eaten; in fact, half of the fruit ended up across the cafeteria, in our laps.
    This was high school.  Noisy and ridiculous and there were real food fights here.  We were best friends, clinging to each other for support in a sea of people so much larger and so much less naive than we were.  No matter what else happened my freshman year, I will always remember - more than anything else - the fantastic feeling of a laugh in your throat and your eyes squeezed so tight you could barely see, breathless because our lives were, in those moments on the cafeteria floor, better than anyone else’s.

I have bruises on my shin from sitting with my legs crossed

I was thinking about watching another episode of Dexter (another!), but I decided to blog.  I'm in the mood to write.

I've been insanely sore all day.  You name it, it hurts.  I hate this part, the way it sneaks up on me.  A week and a half ago, I was spending weekends running around being a little bit college-kid-y and now, I'm just too tired to keep going.  I had a midterm today, and I didn't knock myself out studying for it, but it was physically painful when I did try to study.

I don't want to move right now.  I just started another episode of Dexter.  I'm exhausted, and I'll probably need more than the eight hours of sleep I'll end up getting... but I'm seriously having a hard time moving.

By the way: Stephen King is a genius.  Even if his books creep me out.  He's still a genius.

For weeks, I keep saying to myself, "I'm going to blog today."  I've got so much to share about all the cool things that happened over my birthday, and a few things that happened that weren't so great.  I've got all these thoughts running through my head, and I consider myself a writer by nature, so why wouldn't I share them?!

But, things have been strange recently.  I've been feeling like I'm in limbo, a bit.  I'm so much better, physically, than I was a year ago, two years ago - but I'm still limited.  I want to spend time running around with friends, doing silly things, having great stories - but I'm limited.  And it frustrates me, as I sit down to work on another piece for my nonfiction writing class, or wander into my room after a long day, that from all of my life through high school all of my greatest stories include other people - and now, it's just me, and my books, and a really comfy chair.

In other, solitude-based news, I've moved to the downstairs bedroom.  It was Mum's idea; I've never lived seven years in one room before, and mine was the only one that hadn't been redecorated.  So, we decided just to move down to the room that had it's own bathroom and was close to the garage in case I came in late (like I ever come in all that late!).  I've had a blast redecorating, and figuring out what I still use and should keep, and what goes in the garage sale pile.  I have this fantastic new white-and-orange desk, and this gorgeous bedspread on my new - queen! - bed, and I'm loving it here.

With that, I will sign off.  It sounds like pancakes are on offer in the kitchen...

Psalm 27

"The Lord is my light and my salvation - whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the stronghold of my life - of whom shall I be afraid?
When evil men advance against me to devour my flesh,
when my enemies and my foes attack me, they will stumble and fall.
Though an army besiege me,
my heart will not fear;
though war break out against me,
even then I will be confident.

One thing I ask of the Lord,
this is what I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the Lord
all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the Lrod
and to seek him in his temple.
For in the day of trouble
he will keep me safe in his dwelling;
he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle
and set me high upon a rock.
Then my head will be exalted
above the enemies who surround me;
at his tabernacle will I sacrifice with shouts of joy;
I will sing and may music to the Lord.

Hear my voice when I call, O Lord;
be merciful to me and answer me.
My heart says of you, "Seek his face!"
Your face, Lord, I will seek.
Do not hide your face from me,
do not turn your servant away in anger;
you have been my helper.
Do not reject me or forsake me,
O God my Savior.
Though my father and mother foraske me,
the Lord will recieve me.
Teach me your way, O Lord;
lead me in a straight path because of my oppressors.
Do not turn me over to the desire of my foes,
for false witnesses rise up against me,
breathing out violence.

I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord."

I'm not quite sure where this post came from either...

Dear Blog,

I grew up the daughter of an ex-pediatric nurse and health visitor.  I grew up in a house where meals weren't frozen or ordered out, and where vegetables weren't a point of contention (I've been a very big broccoli fan for a very long time!).  My Mum tells stories about my siblings and I when we were young - about how I always had a banana for lunch when I was an infant, and once when at Grandma's a relative had eaten the last banana - so Grandma sent him out to get more for me for lunch (even though Mum assured her that I would easily eat something else for lunch).  I've been a big banana fan for probably as long as I've been a broccoli fan.

I grew up in a house where fruit was an acceptable dessert and where, even though we could afford to buy lunch at school, there was no reason to; Mum packed my lunch from day one, and buying a school lunch was a treat.  I grew up in a house where you don't cut up your food and then eat it, as I've observed so often; you know how to use both a fork and a knife at the same time, and so cut up your food as you're eating it.  Eating with our fingers wasn't acceptable - mainly because Mum cooked us food from scratch - and no finger foods (we still get yelled at for sticking our hands into the salad bowl!)

I got bored this afternoon, and started watching Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution - basically an American version of what he did in the UK, particularly focusing on school lunches.  It was gross to see some of the food served in that elementary school cafeteria, but I was most shocked to watch the scene where a classroom full of kids couldn't properly identify a tomato.  One adventurous kid guessed "potato."

I know that the show will have been edited to be dramaticized and such, but there are elements that are too true to what I've noticed as just too far different from how I grew up.  The culture of eating out, of kids not being taught to use a knife and fork...  The idea that anyone could expect to be healthy without eating a regular diet of fruit and vegetables, aside from their meat and starches, is just plain wrong.

I was interested in a scene in Food Inc, which showed a family which regularly bought dinner at McDonald's entering a supermarket and saying that vegetables were too expensive, that McDonald's was cheaper... just averaging at $5 for a meal for a family of 5 at said chain, would cost $25.  If a head of broccoli is $1.50 (that will feed 5 for a meal) and a package of chicken cost $5, and say, rice - about $.99 for a non-instant package (again, that will feed 5 for a meal) or pasta (comparable price) and say, a bag of sweet corn  for a $1.50 - that's less than $10 for a meal for 5 (assuming you drink water, as I know many families do), and only costs you time to make it - which depends on the cut of chicken and how you cook it, and whether or not you use a crock pot.  So I couldn't understand how McDonald's was cheaper - unless you only ordered dollar-menu hamburgers (and that's not a nutritious dinner at all).

This rambling post brings me to my point; is there any wonder that the Western World has an obesity epidemic?  And I get that a lot of people would say that people like Jamie Oliver or the government shouldn't intervene, that people should be free to make their own choices.  But what about these same people being bombarded by advertisements for "delicious" KFC, or being told that eating fresh and healthy is too expensive, or being brought up assuming school - school, the representative of everyone smarter than you in the world (at least, when you're five) - says it's okay to eat junk food...  Do the people with the power and the knowledge not then have a responsibility to step in, and try to counteract all of the negative influences - particularly in impressionable childrens' lives - before things get any worse?

I could say more but I may become incoherent in my frustration at the people of the world who make such silly decisions, and the business people of the world who enforce those decisions for monetary gain...

- Judith

Thoughts on my relative infancy

Dear Blog,

Mum and I went down to help Bekah move into her house today.  Only one of her housemates seemed to be moved in already, which meant there was plenty of space to move around and stomp up and down the stairs carrying stuff.  It was pretty fun, seeing her get all set up and unpacked...

But I admit some jealousy here.  I'm nearly 21; I'm the kid who should be living away from home, have a house full of people I'll be living with this year that are unrelated to me.  I should be the one forgetting things and not really stressing over the things that Mum is worried about, and I should the be the one acting like a grown up.

I am, for the most part, content in my situation.  I cannot live on my own right now.  Sometimes, after a day at school, I cannot think enough to do anything, let alone stand on my feet long enough to do laundry, to cook myself dinner, to go out and do groceries and chores and other things like that.  And while I have a knack for remembering things, when I'm tired, I couldn't really care if the house is on fire; I am physically unable to move.

I'm a lot better than I was a year ago.  I spent a lot of this summer out of the house, walking and spending time with friends and I'm pretty capable now.  But I can't really combine both physical activity and mental activity yet; it seems like in a day I only have the capacity for one or the other, which is what makes school tough. 

By tomorrow, things will be less whirlwind-y than today was, and I'll feel okay about myself and my situation once more.  But for right now, I'm reminded that I live a life very different from my peers, and I can only hope that God has a really good reason for it (aside from the ones he has given me so far) that makes it all worth missing out.  I fully acknowledge and accept that I will probably never know what this reason is, and it may not even have to do with me, but with another person or circumstance in my life or the lives of those around me.  Still...

This is where trusting God happens.

- Judith

The End of a Long Summer

Dear Little Blog,

It's been a long time, I know.  Too be honest, this summer hasn't been what I expected it to be - in both good and bad ways.  But the summer is ending now, and I'm all rested up and getting ready for school.

I'm starting to have dreams about going back to school.  It always amuses me how excited I am to go back after a summer, but how after a week I'm pretty over it, and all I can see is the long months stretching ahead of me... and lots of work.

When I was younger, every year we made a big school supply shopping trip, and I had to buy everything brand new - new backpack, new clothes, new pens and pencils (even if I had some left from last year) - if you can think of it, I filled the shopping cart with it.  This year - and last year - has been much more calm.  I have plenty of pens and pencils from last year, and a backpack still in great shape.  Really, all I've bought in the line of school supplies is a planner (I'm going back to paper this year), a binder (because mine was falling apart) and hand sanitizer. 

Of course, there's the part of me that's insisting on at least one new clothing item, and so I spent late last night reorganizing my closet, looking at what I had.  I might buy myself a new skirt... but I can't really justify any other purchases.

Funny how you change over time, isn't it?  Is this growing up?

- Judith

The Closet Judith May Ever Get To Sewing

Dear Blog,

I've been talking for a few weeks about buying a new pair of shorts, because I have only one pair of denim shorts - which out of three pairs of acceptable-to-wear-outside-the-house is really all I need - but I wear them a lot, so I wanted a second pair.

I was wandering around the mall and the outlets not really seeing anything that caught my eye - or, at least, nothing priced well enough to be worth it. 

It was then I recalled the $6 jeans I got from PacSun with the massive flares that I have only worn once.  Two problems fixed in one: new shorts, and flares gone.  Obviously, I'm not the first person to cut up a pair of jeans.  I'm not even the first one in my family to do it (Bekah became quite innovative this school year).  But I am quite proud of myself; these are really comfy.

Dear Blog,

These past few days have been fantastic.  I've been seeing friends and had energy and generally enjoying the summer.  I hope it's always as awesome as this.

Love, Judith

Unread no more

Dear Blog,

Two years ago, I read pretty much nonstop.  I could go through a book a day, sometimes two books a day.  I read so much I had to stop myself from reading so much, because I wasn't giving myself enough time for retention and thus not reaping the benefits of all my reading.

What happened?  It's June, and as of today I have read 21 books this year.  And I call myself an English major?!  I have unread books stuffing my shelves, and two library books sitting on my desk.  Then, I have the gall to say that the summer is boring, when in reality I have plenty to do. 

So, dear little blog, I will be reading this summer.  Perhaps reading and getting a tan at the same time.  Certainly trying to get through some of these books on my shelves.  I used to save books I owned for when I was traveling, because taking library books abroad is just not sensible; these, however, are too many for that purpose; I arguably have enough unread books on my shelves right now to last me the rest of my life in holidays.

Dinner is being dished, so I will go and chow down and then read some more.

Love,

Judith

Ignorance is exhaustion

Dear Blog,

I know when I'm tired; I know all the signs.  It seems, however, that I'm too good at ignoring them - certainly this weekend, I was. 

Before I left to go bowling with my friends yesterday, my throat was sore... and I chose to ignore it.

During dinner, I was having a hard time keeping up with the conversation.  What jokes I tried to make were really lame (like, awful) mainly because they didn't make any sense, because my mind wasn't moving fast enough.  My stomach started to hurt and my head started to spin, and by that point I couldn't ignore it, because there was no way I could keep going, much less drive myself home - or another person, as I had originally planned.

I should have known it was going to happen; I had been up and about since 8 o'clock that morning.  Twelve straight hours of activity, with only a half hour rest in between.  And I spent a good chunk of Saturday out too, so usually I would limit myself to just one activity for Sunday.

It's strange, because I'm doing so well, and I try to tell my friends that yet how do I still make them understand that "so well" is still pretty bad by their standards?  How can I explain that I literally can be fine one minute and five minutes later hardly able to move? 

I'm glad I don't have a job this summer.  I've spent so much time barely doing anything.  Thing is, my body knows what it needs, and it always tells me what it needs.  Lately, it's been telling me to slow down, to sit down, to stay where I am for a little while. 

I need to stop ignoring it.

- Judith

Not All Who Wander Are Lost... But Most of Us Are

Dear Blog,

This summer, so far, has been pretty aimless for me.  I get up, do nothing, waste time, and hate myself for it.  You see, for a long time I've acknowledged that I don't know when the morning will come that I won't wake up.  Probability-wise, that morning isn't soon - but from my own experience with God, I know that He invented probability, and is completely comfortable with bending its rules. 

In that vein, I've begun creating goals for this summer; exercise every day (currently, I'm walking 30-45 minutes every day), read two books a week (I have so many of them languishing on my shelf unread), begin learning from Mum all of the little (and not so little) things I really ought to know how to do by now.  I want to save up some money this summer, because I just realize how expensive grad school will be (and suddenly, my plans for leaving the state are halted by the fact that the least expensive program - and one of the best I've found - is in San Jose, a city I'm already quite comfortable and familiar with).  I plan to write... but this is the hard one.  I'm finding it nearly impossible to write.  I had an unusual dream last night that has me thinking about a story; but all I've got is a beginning.  But, sometimes those unexpected plots are the most fun. 

I'm doing really well.  Still tired, but high-functioning.  I find myself growing more independent from my family every week - which is both fantastic, and occasionally creates a few arguments.  I'm beginning to feel my age; for so long I was convinced I was stuck at seventeen.  Still, like a seventeen year old, I often find myself expressing an opinion and then realizing that I have so little experience and so little credibility or knowledge that really, what right have I to express an opinion?  I can acknowledge my immaturity, but I can't seem to get rid of it. 

I hope that I can find more to blog about the rest of this summer.

- Judith

Do you feel like you're all grown up now?

Dear Blog,

I have my two biggest finals tomorrow, and I'll be honest, it's a bit of a struggle to study.  I'm tired.  I'm kind of done with school already.

And I'm a little bit frustrated.  I was browsing Facebook, and decided to look up a few of my old friends from primary school, see where they ended up.  And it was pretty saddening what I saw: quite a few of them party, a lot.  I get that the drinking age in Scotland is 18, and I'm not against drinking or having a good time with friends... but to the point where it's disrespectful, where it's unhealthy, where it's just ridiculous, in the way it was for these people; that really frustrates me.

Some people talk about how, if the drinking age in the US was lowered to 18, less people would drink underage.  True, yes they would.  But that would not make them any more responsible about it once they did start drinking.  And to the person who says, while the drinking age is 21, "I'm a mature person, I can handle drinking before I turn 21" - they are not in fact a mature person if they cannot also say, "But I can wait.  It's not going to add or detract from my life."

I've found that college kids seem to think they're all grown-up and mature because they do whatever they want; they party like they're old enough to get so drunk they can't walk, they choose not to go to class or to study because they have the choice, they say and do things that would make their parents ashamed.  Maybe I'm just a frumpy old maid, but that doesn't look like maturity to me; that looks like kids trying to look like adults, and failing miserably, because they haven't grasped the most basic tenet of maturity: responsibility.

So, speaking of maturity and responsibility, I'm going to return to my studying now, and I'm going to plow through because I don't really have another option, and because I need to do well on my finals to keep my scholarship (without which I could not afford to attend my school).  And after finals are over, I'll bury my head in good books and watch TV and movies and go out for walks or hang out with friends, because I'll have the time for it.

Not the zenith of responsibility, but a sober, reasoned, practical decision.

- Judith

Over-Scheduled and Over-run

Dear Blog,

I got the best email in my inbox in a long time.

My club meeting for tonight was cancelled.

I love Not for Sale.  If meetings were twice a week, I'd be sooo excited.  If meetings were every day, I'd probably go.  I care about the issues we discuss and I desperately want people to know that this stuff is going on, in their own backyards. 

But there is so much going on right now.  I'm exhausted.  I can't think straight.  I go to sleep in and I physically can't because there's just too much stuff to do.  I was tired and sick last week - and it slowed me down - and this week I'm paying for it.

So, finding out that I won't be at school from 3:45-10 tonight was kind of exciting.  I can go, work on my group project, come home, finish my homework, and maybe skip both Lost and Glee and just go to bed early.

I would never have made the decision to skip the meeting on my own.

Sometimes God provides in the littlest, best, most unexpected of ways.

- Judith

A Christian Biblical take on a Political issue

Dear Blog,

I don't like to get political in this blog, but people frustrate me sometimes.  Sometimes it's Christians more than anyone else.  I just read "Luther's Address to the Christian Nobility" for Rel 100, and it's crazy that in 500 years, people haven't changed.  It's not the Pope people follow blindly anymore, but it's just as ridiculous sometimes.  People take the word of teachers, politicians, and pastors without taking the time to verify the statements being made to them.

I know a lot of Christians who are Republicans just because they are Christians, and that's "what they should do," (without actually taking a look at policy and thinking all of it through - if that still leads them to the same conclusion, I'm fine with that - I just want people to be informed) and because they are Republicans, they are obligated to hate the recent attempts at health care reform.  But these same Christians would not, outside of this reform, pay for the health care of the poor and the sick and needy and the widows (and if these same Christians read their Bible, taking care of the poor and needy is one of the most frequently cited duties of a Christian in the gospels - though don't take my word for it, read it for yourself!).  So, if the right to life - which I'm sure we'll all agree is a far more significant and bigger right than anything so trivial as taxation - is being jeopardized because people's health is not being taken care of, who will defend their right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness?

A lot of people died for the freedom to so much as read the Bible in English, and so few Christians nowadays actually do.  Which is ridiculous.  I've been reading it for fourteen years, and still I come upon passages I must have skimmed over before or not understood before, because I go, "Whoa!?  Seriously!?" more often than any person who merely listens to the preacher would think.

So, before Christians go on and on about the various things they're going on about, perhaps they should go and read their Bible, and then do what it says (because "Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins" - James 4:17).  I'm not saying I've got this one down - I most certainly do not.  But I know that I ought to be helping the poor and the needy - and finding ways I can do so (which I have been trying - most recently, I've decided to donate groceries to Manna once a month.  That certainly isn't much at all, but I've no income, and will certainly do more once I am earning).  It's just that most of these people who are going on complaining about their "rights" - or at least the people that I've heard complain - are very wealthy, going out to eat multiple times a week, seeing movies for eleven bucks a ticket as soon as they are released, buying brand-new cars every few years.  It would only take a couple of lifestyle changes, which would not in any way hamper their quality or enjoyment of life, to provide for the people who are not in a position - financially or physically or mentally - to provide these things for themselves (and not just health care, but healthy food and shelter and education, too).

And if that's too much for a Christian to do, then perhaps they should have considered that before "committing their life to Christ."  Following Jesus is not about being a good person; it is about being willing to give up absolutely everything - even your own breath - for Him.  In light of that, the things American Christians are arguing over right now, are trivial. 

Seriously people.

- Judith

EDIT:  Okay, I'm going to add this, because I realize I was ranting a bit in my post.  I am not anti-Republican, and I know there are a lot of issues at work in the situation, beyond just "rights."  This situation was an awkward example of two principles that have been frustrating me for a long time: people who just do what they're told without understanding why they are being told to do so, and Christians who don't read their Bible - and thus cannot know whether or not they are truly living the life Christ meant for them to live.  I'm not going to take down the previous post, but I did want to add a little calm note onto the end.

The Center

Dear Blog,

Lately, I have developed a theory, and it probably requires some more testing to be proven true or not, but it seems to have worked for the past few years of my life.

The fact is, bad things can happen in your life - big bad things can happen.  Stuff that makes you want to cry, stuff that makes you wonder how on earth you can move forward because you sure can't see the road from where you're standing.  But those big bad things aren't really all that big.

Not to say that they're not often important things.  Majorly important.  But not the most important.  For instance, recently, there's been so much stuff whirling around in my head it's amazing I can put two coherent words together.  But - and I don't know when this happened - I realized that those things whirling around in my head, if I focused on them obsessively, if I let the big bad things take over my life like big bad things, they would become even bigger, badder things than they really were.  Because, I've always known - intellectually - that the most important things were the time I spent reading my Bible to make sure I know exactly who God is and how He operates, so that when I pray (important thing number two) I know how to approach Him, and so that my focus is not on the big bad things, but on walking with him through them.

That's how I could have a good week this week.  I feel like I should be more depressed, like these things demand more of my self-righteous anger.  But I can't do that.  If I do that, I'll be sucked under by those things, and then it's good for nobody.  I've actually had to remind myself recently that to be joyful in the face of such big-bad-crazy stuff isn't callous; it's confidence in Christ.

Not to say that I always manage to focus on God instead of on my own worries (which, in light of the real, big world full of such injustices I cannot begin to comprehend, are paltry).  Too often I say, "Oh, I'll read my Bible later" and then put it off and put it off until it's now - 12:15 in the morning, and all I've done today was read a couple of chapters while killing time waiting to talk to my adviser, and say a quick prayer in the car that today might not suck.

I have to speak to a group of high schoolers on Monday about my story, and I think this might be my focus; the fact is, there is nothing in my life more important than God.  And that thought is strangely reassuring - because no matter what happens, whether I'm living in a gutter or a mansion, healthy or close to dead, He is always the center.

- Judith

People don't always think things through

Dear Blog,

Though our house hasn't sold yet, my parents still like to view other houses on the market, to be informed and aware of what's available for when we do sell (though they won't make an appointment to view, because that's a lot of trouble on the sellers part; they just go to open houses).  I went with my parents today, desiring a break from my insane-seriously-I-have-no-idea-how-to-write-this-only-compounded-by-how-long-I-left-it paper.

Firstly, if you're reading this blog, then chances are you know me.  If you know me, or my family at all, you know that we are clean.  Very, very clean.  So, of course, the first thing we notice upon walking into the house is that it's an open house, and they haven't bothered to tidy up.  You can see that the carpets have been recently (like, within 24-hours) steam-cleaned, and there is visible brown dirt on the white staircase banister.  This doesn't bode well for the remainder of the house.  In our experience, if you buy it and think nothing's wrong with it, once the furniture's out and the paintings off the walls, there'll be a whole lot you realize you didn't see.  So if you can already see that things need repainting and recarpeting - what would you find in those places you can't see?

It was a nice house plan, only a couple of years older than ours, but still owned by the original owners, who had done nearly no work on it since they bought it.  The kitchen was all original appliances (and, sadly, a mid-80s fridge isn't exactly cool and vintage), and the cabinets were in desperate need of replacement, or at least resurfacing.  Any place that did have upgrades (granite or tile or new sink), had upgrades over the original cabinets or surfaces, that clearly needed some work done.

So, here's the thing.  People think my mother is crazy when they find out how much she works to keep our house immaculately clean, but the fact is that no one's going to walk in here and automatically be turned off by the place.  A person who cleans their house implies that same person takes care of the place - fixes things when they're broken, replaces them when they become too old to run efficiently anymore.  We know that our house needs work; we have two bathrooms that could use a remodel, and a really hideous chandelier.  But we've done a lot of upkeep; new carpets, new paint, new windows (all save for a couple unusually shaped ones), new pool, redone the yard, granite in the kitchen and refaced the cabinets, new (and recently refinished) wooden floors, one very beautifully remodeled bathroom, all new appliances when we moved in, refinished the basketball area, regularly trimmed the oak trees, new air conditioning units.  Sadly, this is what's frustrating about selling this house; nobody sees those things.  They see that a house of similar size is cheaper, and harp on about it.  But that same house needs all new appliances and windows and paint and who knows what else that isn't visible; that's why it's cheaper.  At least in the housing market, you do get what you pay for. 

An edifying way to waste five minutes (or not)

Dear Blog,

Spring Break is officially over.  While I wished it had come a little sooner in the semester, I admit I'm really glad for the break.  Plowing ahead till the end now.  Anyway, here's the rundown of a fantastic week:

Friday: Early Dinner/Really late Lunch with a friend I don't see often enough
Saturday: Dinner, power-outages, movies, and getting massively lost on the way home with friends.
Sunday: lazy day for the most part, and church in the evening.
Monday: How to Train Your Dragon with another friend - such a good movie!
Tuesday: silly doctor's appointment
Wednesday: sleep and laziness abound
Thursday: Getty Museum with yet another friend; really cool place, and free too (aside from exorbitant parking price).  Definately going back.
Friday: sat and talked to my high school Bible study leader for ages, which was nice.  My brother had shoulder surgery this day.
Saturday: lazy attempt at homework - ended up at the mall with my sister, and found a really nice t-shirt in the sale rack at Urban. 
Sunday: Easter!  Bethany in the morning, Cornerstone at night.  Far too much candy eaten, not enough homework done.  Good times.
Monday: Last day of break.  Homework, with a quick trip to the used book store in Simi.

So, I'm sure you really enjoyed reading that list.  I'm sure you are now a better person for knowing how I spent my spring break.  I'm sure you are grateful to know how boring I am,  and won't invite me to any parties in the future. 

But, I really did enjoy my break.  I needed the rest; I forget sometimes that, after a while, I begin running purely off adrenaline.  The knowledge that I've just got "x much more to go" keeps me pushing myself, before I collapse.  As much sa my health has improved, I'm too good at ignoring the fact that I'm not as healthy as the average 20 year old.

- Judith

A book by it's cover...

Dear Blog:

I have a confession to make...

I judge books by their covers.

I was standing in the library today, looking at the "new" shelf, filled with books I hadn't seen before or heard of before, and I was picking them up based on their covers.  If it looked like the same cover as five-hundred other detective-action-mystery-thriller-page-turners, I would ignore it.  If it had a name I recognized boldly splashed across the spine, I snapped it up.  If it was plain, I would assume it was serious and judge the description from that point of view.

Do I do this to people too?  I hope not.  I certainly know that I get judged based on the way I look (and looked, back before I had my hemangioma removed), and I don't like it, because I know what people think is nothing like who I am.  And given that I'm not a book snob, and find that I quite like most tomes that I actually bother to pick up, I should know that many of these principles do work with actual living people too.

Perhaps something I must become aware of.

Invincibility

Dear Blog,

I'm going to be honest; some days, I act like I'm invincible.  I have a week like this week; a week where, despite my lack of enough sleep and my constant running around, I still have enough energy to not only survive the week, but enjoy it.  Then yesterday afternoon, still flying high off my fantastic week, I decided to take a stroll along one of the two neighborhood trails.

You see, Thursday, I spent ages out on the steep trail, just enjoying the sun and the no-noise and just being by myself.  Afterwards, I got some homework done, then went to dinner with Heather and Jocelyn and watched a movie at Heather's.  I didn't get home till after eleven, nor into bed until midnight.

So, Friday should have been no sweat.

I forget, sometimes, dear blog, my tendency to overdo it. 

I made it to the top of Falling Star Ave, but wasn't more than ten minutes along the trail before I had to turn back.  And a few minutes later, I knew I couldn't face the walk back down the hill to our house.  I had to call Dad to drive up to the trailhead and pick me up.

Normally, I wouldn't be so discouraged, but I have a goal now.  My geology class is going to the Grand Canyon in May, and I really want to be able to make the trip.  A free trip to the Grand Canyon!  The Grand Canyon!  Oh the rocks!  The strata!

So, I decided that I was going to get into practice with hiking.  I was going to get myself healthier, because I really want to make it to the Grand Canyon.

What did I learn, little blog?

1.  I am not invincible.  Even on my best weeks.

2.  If you suffer from chronic-anything, you're not going to get to live like a normal person.

3.  Going hiking two days in a row is a really stupid idea.

So, dear blog, I'm not going a-walking today, because I'm exhausted.  I will not give up just yet - but a little reality check never hurt anyone.

Judith

Inspiration

Dear Blog,

I just finished watching a documentary about a man (and his family) who sought to go an entire year with no environmental impact.  They were largely successful, and their lives didn't suffer for it.  They may have been inconvenienced occasionally (not using a car or bus), but they weren't any less happy or in love for it.

And I've been wondering about why people don't do more of that sort of thing.  We all know that, if you cut down a tree, it's going to be tens to hundreds of years before it grows enough to cut down again.  And we need trees to absorb carbon dioxide.  We know that if you put crap in the air, it doesn't just go away.  My family had to leave San Jose because my father - a non-smoker - developed a lung disease, due to such bad breathing conditions.  So, we know that what we do has significant impact.

America is a country founded on the concept of choice.  You can choose your religion, your political opinions - yet so many people don't seem to care about it.  They don't choose between food grown locally and food from big corporations - because they aren't informed about the environmental impact of transportation, or the lack of nutrients in foods transported that long and far.  They don't know that the biggest source of emissions is meat production, or that McDonald's literally is the biggest consumer in the American beef industry.  They don't know that slavery not only still exists, but is in fact an even bigger trade than during the time of Abraham Lincoln.  Maybe they don't know that they don't have all the information, that there is more out there to know.  Maybe they don't want to know, because they don't want to change their lifestyles.

But, when I think of all the times I've been happiest, of all the people I love the most, there is no purchased "thing" involved in that.  There are all these things we think are necessary, but I'm wondering if they really don't contribute to our quality of life at all.

It does bug me that people choose to be uninformed.

That, I don't think I will ever get over.

Judith

Free Fun

Dear Blog,

I think some people really do believe ignorance is bliss.  I saw something today about credit card debt - about how by paying off only the minimum payment, thanks to interest, it could take you decades to pay off debt.  See, I thought that was pretty self-explanatory.  I always treated my credit card like another debit card, except this one gets me a "credit score" so some day I can buy myself a car or house or other such things.  I don't buy anything I couldn't pay off right away if I had to.  That's the principle that my parents have always used.  If you have money you owe, and you don't pay all of it off, and money keeps getting added to what you owe...

Doesn't that make a lot of sense?

I'm not big on spending money I don't need.  I don't really need to see movies; if it's one I want to see, I tend to wait until it's out on DVD and get it from Netflix.  I don't really need new clothes, though I know if I put myself in a situation where I could buy them I will - so I don't go to the mall much anymore.  And what's the point in eating out, when for less than a third of what I would spend I can make my own lunch/dinner/breakfast, which much healthier ingredients?  Literally, nowadays it's oatmeal for breakfast (I've been using the packet kind, only because I'm a bit rushed on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, but the rest of the week, if I have oatmeal, I'll probably spend the extra two minutes and put it in the microwave - that is about 30 cents a serving and it's super filling).  I'm healthier because I've become adverse to eating things from packets, with all their processing and additives and chemicals (and, in the process, I've become greener).

Here's an example:

I dropped my gym membership.  To be honest, I don't like the gym.  It's embarrassing, and I don't know what to do when I'm there.  But I do have a gym at school (not like I've ever used it yet, though I've been eyeing a yoga class...), if I need to, and that comes with my school fees.  The thing is, I grew up outside; Scotland is so wet, year-round, and yet most of my best memories come from hours of running around outdoors with my friends.  I knew what their gardens looked like far better than I knew what their bedrooms looked like.  I walked to school unless the weather was too dismal for it (and snow doesn't count as too dismal for walking), and the two weeks I was grounded, and unable to use my bike, was enough to keep me from ever getting myself grounded again.

I still love it outside.  I love to go for a walk.  It was really nice out today, and I had such a great walk, listening to worship tunes on my iPod.  I loved, over winter break, going for a wander through the hills.  The trails around here are pretty incredible.  I even persuaded my brother or a friend a time or two, and it's a great chance to talk (and not spend any money!  Sadly, most of my friends are big on the spending-money thing).  I can't wait until it's permanently as warm as this (I've become too accustomed to California; I could not walk to school in the snow anymore), and I can be out again.

So, there you go.

I would love for my friends to want to go see a movie and go out to the discount theatre in Simi Valley, or rent a movie and make an evening of it at home.  I would love for my friends to want, instead of going out for dinner, to find a recipe we're all interested in, pitch in for the ingredients, turn on the tunes, and cook together.  I would love for my friends to want to go for walks and chat and wander through the park and catch up.  I would love to pass books on to my friends and know that all that paper isn't sitting on the shelf being wasted (because as long as it's on the shelf, it's not being read, and it's being wasted).  Did you know I found out there's a lot of people who seriously don't go to the library?  People who are avid readers, and every book they read is from a retailer.  That's pretty screwed up.  I could do for free what they do all year, and enjoy it just as much.

This has been a bit of a rant, but seriously.

Credit cards aren't free money.  It's saying, "i forgot my cash, this is an IOU, and I genuinely mean I'll pay it back."  Life is pretty enjoyable - really, truly, lovely, in fact - without spending much, or any, money.  It's frustrating to me that people don't even realize that not spending is an option.

- Judith

The Monday Update

Dear Blog,

I have a lot in my head, and a blog I really want to write that requires more time and devotion than I can give it now, so I'll put that off again.

I want to recommend Spinner.com; you can listen to music for free - and even download some singles - and it's all nice and legal.  Lots of independent artists, and it's cool because I've found some stuff I would never have heard of otherwise.   Sometimes its just great because I need background music, but songs with lyrics I recognize distract me.

I bought (well, my parents bought me) a denim jacket from Hollister at least four years ago.  It's one of those "staple" pieces that still fits like a dream and is still completely relevant.  A denim jacket will probably never go out of style - it certainly hasn't in the past forty years.  I pulled it out of the closet today (having acquired some really dark jeans - that fit perfectly - for only $7) and amazed myself that I don't wear it more often.  It's warm and comfy and goes with so much of my stuff, and very much my style.

I saw Nobel Peace Prize winner Muhammad Yunus speak at the Civic Arts Plaza on Friday; he has an incredible vision.  It's all very well giving to the poor and donating money, but his work focuses on sustainability; eradicating poverty by more than just a one-time duct-tape fix donation.  It was inspiring, to say the least.

More and more often I'm finding myself becoming more open to not knowing where my life and work is going to go, and being perfectly okay with that.  I know one thing; there is nothing about being a Christian that allows for ignoring the needy.  I just need to figure out what ways I can help.  I know there is always something more that I can be doing.

I've been sleeping better; I spent the whole weekend resting, and trying to destress.  I did a lot of homework, so that I wasn't freaking out during the week (though I conveniently forgot to study for my midterm, which is Wednesday).  I am feeling better for it.

However, it is 11 o'clock, and I have a 10 o'clock class tomorrow, meaning I have to wake up at 8 - which means it's time to turn in.

- Judith

What "A Good Day" Is For Me

Dear Blog,

Yesterday, I felt rotten.  I was tired and got so frustrated at one point I teared up and just lay on my bed going, "I'm not going to be able to do it!"  Of course, I was, but it felt awful.  My head wouldn't stop drilling.  That's the best metaphor I can come up with; I remember when we had a jackhammer working on the concrete to get at that burst pipe, and the echo in the house, and that's what it feels like in my head on days like yesterday.

Today wasn't great; I felt physically unable to move myself most of the time.  Yet, it was a good day.  I talked to people in my breaks between classes - you have no idea how nice it is to not feel so isolated, even for five minutes worth of friendly conversation.  I got to just sit and read instead of stressing about homework.  I got through my classes, and managed to take most of the information in.  I did some errands after school and ran into Mum at the post office.  I got home and took a lovely (though exhausting) walk.  I had a really nice dinner - sausage slice and hash browns and baked beans and crunchy baby carrots - very transatlantic.  I've finished my geology for tomorrow, and I'm deciding what I do next.

So, I was tired (really tired) today, but I managed to do things.  I got through it pretty well, I think.  Still procrastinated some; but if I can just begin to eliminate that, that would be splendid.

I wish all days were like today; I can deal with my disease on days like today.  It's the days when there are no little pleasures in life (or when it's incredibly hard to see them) - the days when I feel like I don't have any friends, when I feel completely incapable of doing things for myself, when I want to grow up and move out and wonder if I'll ever make it beyond where I am now - that make being sick unbearable.  It's not so much the disease that I mind, with the tiredness and the headaches (well, the headaches are pretty rotten) and the pain; its the way it changes how I have to live my life that I mind.

Even though I've learned to be okay with being sick, it would be lovely to wake up in the morning and not feel like my bed is too small, because it physically isn't possible to sleep in a position that doesn't hurt something.  I woke up the other morning pushing at the headboard, trying to stretch out - but all it did was hurt my wrists.

And though I say I'm okay with being sick, I do need to clarify something.  I get asked a lot, "Oh, so are you all better now?"  The answer is no.  I'm not better.  I'm functioning again.  I can do things, act semi-normal now.  But I cannot escape the fact that - statistically - I'm probably going to have this for the rest of my life.  It'll get better and worse, I might go into remission for a while, but I know that some day - be it two weeks or twenty years from now - I'll find myself at that point where walking from my bed to the couch downstairs takes more energy than I've got.  So, if I say I'm doing better, I have a very different perspective than you do; I know that my best is no more than 80% of your mediocre. 

And to end on that glum note (though, I do feel I have to clear that up)...

- Judith

Notes from Tired

Dear Blog,

Here's the short of it:  I woke up this morning not feeling awesome, having only slept 7 hours the night before (my body needs 8), and unable to fall back asleep.  I made myself breakfast, sat down to work, and got my HumTut reading done.  I took a walk this morning, because I haven't been doing nearly enough of that and being inside the house has me feeling really cooped up.  I got back from the walk - only beginning to feel bad at the very end - and collapsed in front of the television.

I didn't really recover.  My head was a mess.  I managed to work on my paper after lunch, but there's a lot of it I'm not entirely happy with.  I've got the option of a rewrite, which is reassuring, but I'm not sure I'll have the time.

I've been wasting my time a lot lately.  I know I only have so much useful "brain time," and I've been wasting it.  I've been staying up late and stressing myself out and not getting exercise and eating poorly.  I haven't had time to read or write.  No wonder I'm exhausted and sick again.

I don't want to miss class tomorrow, though I'm afraid I might.  On two different thermometers this afternoon my body temperature read 3 degrees below normal.  I usually read a little low, but not that low.  I don't want to get sicker... but I don't want to miss class.

I do want to get into better habits regarding my school work.  I've been pretty bad about it all lately.  I'm twenty years old; I'm all, "I want to move out" and "I want to do things myself" but I can't get my act together.

Here's to hoping my body temp goes up by the morning.

Night,

Judith

List

Dear Blog,

Today I have to:
-Rewrite my HumTut paper... like, cut it up into little slivers of paper and tape them all back together rewrite it... and actually remember the Works Cited this time!
- Write a sonnet
- Read Part 2 of Three Guineas... Thank goodness that I can, for some reason unknown, understand Virginia Woolf.
- Write a reaction paper for Intro to Christianity.
- Read Chapter 7 for Geology.  Take notes on that reading, because that's what I do.
- Read Chapter 21 for Lit
- Read Isaiah chapter 1 and 5
- Pick a poem for my massive Lit paper... and begin memorizing
- Type up Christianity notes for notebook

And that's just the homework front.

Thank Goodness I don't have to clean my room.  Technically some of that can spill over into tomorrow, but the majority of it needs to be done today.  I may also be taking a trip to Old Navy, because Mom has a $20 coupon, and I may be eating some cake - though I can eat cake and do homework.

I have another, better blog I've been ruminating on for a while, but I'm not going to write it today.  Maybe tomorrow.  Or maybe once these papers are done.  Or maybe after midterms...

I'm not actually that busy, I've just become a terrible procrastinator.  The worst bit is, I get so much done when I make a list and plan it out and tell myself that I don't have any give on my time to get it done.

And it's not like I don't like doing any of these things.  It's silly how much I enjoy school and homework.  There are just other things I enjoy more.  I haven't gone for a walk or read a book in so long...

Little blog, I'm going to quit whining now.  I have things to staple.

- Judith

It's getting foggy up here

Dear Blog,

I'm having a lot of trouble focusing.  Which normally wouldn't be a problem, since I don't overload myself with commitments and try to get my homework done in advance and go to bed on time...

But I have a paper due on Monday that I need to have done before Friday.  I have another (smaller) paper I need to write after class tomorrow for Wednesday.

Am I relishing this?  No.

And I have this nasty bruise above my elbow that I discovered at church last night, and I kept hitting against the seat (nice soft seat) in the car on the way home from church, so it really hurts.  Stupid fibromyalgia.  Stupid Fibro Fog.

On the happy side, I went back to Pac Sun to buy another pair of fantastic jeans (I got an amazing pair for $20 on Saturday) and found a third pair for 6.99.  And a sweet tank top.

But sadly, that didn't help get homework done. 

And I need to be on campus in 11 hours, so I'm going to bed now.

Nighty.

- Judith

I could use a magical hug right now...

Dear Blog,

I'm submitting a short story to the Morning Glory (one of CLU's Lit Mags, and the one I work on), and I'm pretty nervous.  It's been a while.  I've had a hard time writing, and I haven't revised (and revised, and revised) something like this ever.  I usually give up after two or three revisions.  This story has been in the works since the tail end of 2008 (I initially wrote it for Sabreen - it's about a magical hug, it seemed appropriate).

This has been hard.  I've made some massive changes to the structure of the thing in the past two days.  And I'm still not a hundred percent sure of it.  I sent it to Melinda, who gave me some help (and identified a few missing words!), but the beginning is still troubling me.

I know that the middle and ending of the story are interesting, but I have to set it up.  The MC cannot receive the magical hug right at the outset; she needs to have a problem first.  But I don't know if my problem - the beginning of the story - is interesting. 

I will regret it if I don't submit, but it will be excruciating to be on the team evaluating the submissions for the magazine and knowing that other people are critiquing mine.  The stuff in the Morning Glory is quality work; it wins awards and is really impressively structured (nothing like the little pamphlet-style thing I worked on in high school).  I'm the only freshman on staff, so I feel really uncertain about it.  I need to get myself to write, so I'm definitely submitting.

But I don't want to submit until it's good.

It's 10:24 on Sunday night.  Submissions are due tomorrow.

Wish me luck!

- Judith

An Idea

Dear Blog,

More and more recently I've been considering the idea of writing my own blog, about trying to be a responsible and conscious consumer while on a college-kid budget.  I feel like it would be an interesting project, and I've not seen many blogs directed at college kids - and those that are are much more about finances.  The problem is, I couldn't do it on my own; I would need people willing to work with me - to see a movie at a discount theater, to try the various free activities around town (are they really that boring?), to try out dorm-appropriate (or college-student cooking-skills appropriate) and cheap recipes.  So it would be quite the project, because I'm tired and I can't do it all myself, and I live at home, so I have a lot of things already provided for me.

Aaaand... I'm a shameless procrastinator.  I spend far too much time reading blogs on saving money where I don't learn anything new and waste time and electricity!  The hours I spent online this afternoon and evening compared to the amount of time I should have spent studying for my quiz (it's only 20% of my grade!!!) tomorrow. 

So, you can see the concerns.  I'm still really tempted though.  I have the writing skills for it.  And the motivation.  Perhaps even an audience (though, am I just the exception?  Maybe the majority of college students are content to fall deeper and deeper into debt?).

Hmm.  In other ideas, I have signed up for a site that where you get paid to take surveys (definitely where a couple hours went this afternoon).  I'm not sure how well it's going to work out for me, but I figure that, since I'm not in a position to get a job, it's worth a shot. 

So, that's the summary; I want to save money (and the world), and I want to write about it.  I want to keep up with school (did I mention I made the Dean's List?  I had a 4.0 last semester!  Let's see how long it remains that way once I start taking upper division classes...).  And I want to stop procrastinating.

Aaaand my shoulders hurt.  In the way you might imagine it hurting to have a bald eagle perched right on that patch of bare skin.

- Judith

The True Meaning of the Week End

Dear Blog,

I made it through this week.  There was a moment or two when I wasn't quite sure how things were going to go.  But Mum tells me I'm looking better this evening - which is great in comparison to yesterday, when I looked so bad during the class that the professor came over to ask me if I was alright, and I'm not sure if I would have made it home without a stop to Burger King for onion rings (The Better World Shopping Guide gives said franchise a C-, which isn't horrible, but isn't really that great either; it is, however, sufficient in times of personal crisis).  I wonder if there is a correlation between stress (or, at least, perceived stress) and blood pressure, because mine went way down too quickly. 

I had a good cry last night over things that shouldn't matter, but sometimes do - and I got to talk to people today - and my quiz today was pretty easy - and I bought myself a muffin after school.  I was keeping a food diary for the month of February, which was shot today, but as I am frequently reminded, "Tomorrow is a new day."  Some of the work on the house is done, so that's quieter, and my parent's said, "Oh, blow it" and we ate out tonight (Fish and Chips! Lots of Salt! Blood Pressure Up!) and I bought a fantastic hat at Target (also a C- minus, but I'll rest assured knowing that, if it was a social injustice, they'd probably get an F) and watched a wonderful "silly" movie this evening.

There's nothing like some good relaxation.  I haven't bought anything non-necessary for myself in a while, so that felt nice, and I watched my movie and ate a bowl of oatmeal (I'm really getting into oatmeal... I used to love it for breakfast when I was a kid - well, ReadyBrek, which is essentially the same as instant oatmeal) and now I feel much better.

It's nearly midnight, and I haven't stayed up this late in a while, so I should get my room tidy (I cannot go to sleep in a messy room) and get to bed.  Tomorrow, the agenda is cleaning, homework, and maybe a trip to Bed, Bath and Beyond for those $1 hand soaps I saw on sale this evening.

I'm in a good mood, blog, and I wasn't before. 

- Judith

Dear Blog,

I'm tired.  This is nothing new, but it is worse than it used to be.  I added three more credits this semester; did I really not expect to feel this way?  I tend to be less realistic than I think I am.  It's the little things that exhaust me; staying up to watch Lost, wasting time on the computer instead of doing homework while I still have the brain power, and all the remodeling going on is a bit of a headache.  All things I can fix (sort of... the remodeling I'll just have to ride out).  I just mapped out all of my homework (as dictated by the syllabi) for this semester on Numbers (Apple's version of Excel) and it's not nearly as bad as it feels in my head.  In my head it feels overwhelming.

Remind me, dear little blog, when I feel this way, to calm down.

Love,

Judith

The Responsible College Student

Dear Blog,

So, here's the short of it; I have good intentions, but they are thwarted far too often.  I began the new year tracking every penny (yes, I mean literally every cent) that I spent.  It's been eye-opening.  My biggest vice is not clothes shopping, as I had assumed, but the little things; Starbucks here, french-fries from In-N-Out there, and just not feeling like eating at home when there's plenty of food.

Which leads me to vice number two.  I'm not a naturally hefty person; though I am a nibbler (I'm the multiple tiny meals a day person, as opposed to the three-squares type).  It's the junk food I've been consuming.  Crackers and cookies and soda because I was bored (who uses that as an excuse?!) have added up.  I counted my intake for today by mid-afternoon, and it was shockingly high.  No doubt aided by a trip to Carl's Jr. today; but I ordered a KIDS MEAL, and I still managed to down more than 600 calories in that one meal.

I am organized; obsessively so.  Tracking all of the nitty-gritty of my expenses has helped curb some of my other more impulsive organizing sprees, but now I'm beginning to wonder if I shouldn't start making a list of things I've eaten in a day; just to become aware.  Not to lose weight; I'm really happy where I am, but I am also well aware that I haven't been eating healthy.

All of this leads me to another consideration; if it's economically smart and health-conscious, is it environmentally and socially responsible?  Because, the fact is, I don't want to create more waste than I need to.  You can argue all you want about global warming, but if you put gas into the air around you, it's not just going to go away.  So, I don't want to put crap into the air - or the earth - or anywhere else for that matter.

I'm considering making this a blog about those things; how can you be a college student on a budget, and still be healthy and responsible - and have fun (and get good grades)?  It would certainly be an interesting challenge - one that could very easily be marred by my physical limitations.  If, as I try to be more aware of this sort of thing, it becomes the tenor of the majority of my posts, perhaps I will consider an overhaul.

So, that's it, little blog.  Checking out for now.

Love,

Judith

Ginger Cavemen

Dear Blog,

Among the wonderful, philosophical - and occasionally pointless - things running through my head today, I've been thinking about being embarrassed.  I was the kid that knew plenty how to embarrass herself, but never has gotten down that whole "ten years from now you'll laugh about this thing."  I think about some of those incidents, and I'm still not laughing.  Just embarrassed.

Like that time we traded spelling books to correct in seventh grade, and the teacher began to talk on and on about something else, and I forgot we'd traded books, and I began doodling on the cover (including my name!).  I felt really bad for the kid whose book I doodled on, especially because it was a boy and middle school was not a kind time for people who had people of the other sex's names written on their books.

Or yesterday, when I may or may not have smiled at a complete stranger, or the guy who sits next to me in Intro to Christianity.

Or any manner of things in between them all.  You should hear the stories my family tells.  I think Scottish people were invented as a race bent on embarrassing all of the members of their own society, such that only the most unaffected by such repeated stories will survive and perpetuate the race (I had historical geology today... did you know what color hair neanderthals had?  Red.)

So, yeah, I'm one of those people who embarrasses herself far too easily.  Yet, apparently, feels no shame in posting her shortcomings on the internet.  Though, that's probably because I am all to aware that everyone else is all to aware of their own shortcomings, and that I'm fairly certain that there were people in high school who thought I was a stuck-up academic snob, which isn't true, but I can understand why I came off that way...

Sorry for my neglect to post.  Lovely blog, I did not mean to forget to feed you.

Love,

Judith

Can't Buy Me Happiness

Dear Blog,

There was this kid in my class today who kinda pissed me off.  In a way like, he talked like he was all mature and knew what was up, but the things he was saying were ridiculous.  He was talking about maybe switching his major to pre-med, so he could be a doctor - not because it's what he's passionate about, but because his dad's a doctor and he doesn't want to give up the lifestyle he's living right now.

It was like, whoa!  First thing kid, anywhere else in the world, a doctor would not be making the kind of money he makes in the US.  And secondly - why make yourself miserable?  Why spend so much time - and money - to do something that you aren't passionate about?  Because you don't have to be very old to know the old joke that, at Christmas, the kids' favorite present is the box the toy comes in.  It's the truth: happiness doesn't come from stuff.  Money isn't going to get you anywhere kid - and if you are unhappy at your job, having the money to buy you a cushy lifestyle isn't going to buy you happiness.

Maybe it's naive of me, but I thought that people were smarter than that.  I'm twenty years old, and I can be immature at times (more often than I would like!), but I know that the best times I've had in my life have not been times when I've been shelling out insane amounts of money on movies and restaurants - they've been the times I've spent with my friends, often doing things that cost us nothing.  I know that is the same for people across the world, no matter what their situation; money doesn't buy happiness.  If anything, it enslaves people to the lie that it does make their lives better...

But, as I said, and as any logical person knows: that's a lie.  And it's not that kid's fault that he has bought into the lie; it's what he's probably been told all his love - though not overtly.

Maybe I see things differently, I don't know.  I've always thought that I - as a person who has a lot - have an obligation to the people who don't have a lot.  Because I did nothing to deserve the things I have.  No amount of work I do to earn money changes the fact that I am given life and skills by a power far greater than I, and I could very easily not be able to do those things that make me able to earn that money.   I don't deserve a cushy lifestyle, and I have no excuse for living one while others who work just as much are facing hardship.  In fact, the Bible tells me,

"Our desire is not that others might be relieved while you are hard pressed, but that there might be equality.  At the present time your plenty will supply what they need, so that in turn their plenty will supply what you need.  Then there will be equality, as it is written: 'He who gathered much did not have too much, and he who gathered little did not have too little.'" - 2 Corinthians 8: 13-15

 Some days I feel like I have so much more growing to do, that I'm nowhere near as mature and don't think nearly enough things through as I need to.  But then I see a lot of people around me, living their lives in ways I've already grown past.  What gives?

- Judith

Back to the Daily Grind (and loving it!)

Dear Blog,

This is the end of winter break for me.  I'm still amazed I made it through the first semester.  I definitely had mild freak-outs that I would crash over the break and not make it to second semester.  But I'm so much better!  I'm operating on 75-80% nowadays, which is really good for me.  I can do things that occupy most of the day - including things that involve some level of focus on my part - though I still struggle to be active or social for great lengths of time.  Still, it's more of an improvement than I ever imagine seeing in myself.

I'm excited to go back to school.  I love school; I always have.  I actually wrote about that in a scholarship essay; though in retrospect it sounded like I was making myself out to be something I'm not (because most people don't love school, and so it sounds silly and boastful when I say it), so I doubt I'll be getting that scholarship.  Anyway; I can't wait for classes.  I can't wait to begin learning again.  I can't wait for homework.  I can't wait for an opportunity to push myself.  I can't wait to fall in love with HumTut essays all over again, to actually take an English class, to be simply in awe of the world God has created.

I've been getting all ready for tomorrow; I feel like an over-enthusiastic eleven-year-old.  At least I'm aware of it, so I can laugh at myself as I do it.  Some things will never change.

Love,
Judith

Shifting Focus

Dear Blog,

For a few days, I was really into those frugal-blogs, all about penny-pinching and unique ways to save money and getting out of debt and all of that.  I even considered trying a college-kid version of one, for about a minute.  And, as good as all of those things are, I realized yesterday evening that it was all a little bit silly.  Because, the fact is, being obsessed with not spending money is still being obsessed with money.  And that's not good, at all. 

I was sitting and realizing this and realizing that, on the contrary, in all my stinginess I still had a great deal more than many people will ever have.  And I have opportunities - opportunities to get a college education and a job that would support both myself and others...  The kind of opportunities that give me a chance to do something good with what money I get.  I could scrimp and pinch pennies and not have to pay so much on bills...  But I could just as easily be giving to those in need. 

Around the world, people need aid in almost every area imaginable.  I'm sure someone could do something with my skill set.  Even if I only do end up being a librarian, in a silly small suburban town like this one, I can still give of my money and my time, even if only locally.

So, I'm not going to waste shower water or spend money on fast food or eating out when I have food at home - but I'm not going to obsess about it.  Because, from now on, the reason I'm going to be doing this is not for me, but for the other people who don't have any of the daily-needs type of things I have, much less the luxuries I'm forgoing.

And, dear blog, I'm charging you with keeping me accountable to this.

Love,

Judith

Over-Enthusiastic College-Student hippie activist

Dear Blog,

When I was younger, I would watch TV or hear people talking about those crazy activists - usually college students who dressed like hippies and probably smoked pot - and think of how ridiculous and over-enthusiastic they were.

The fact is, I was wrong.  I may even be one of them now.

I am well aware of how easily I could not live in this country with all this money and opportunity.  I am well aware that I could easily be living in poverty and disease.  I am well aware of how blessed my life is - and how those whose lives are not, did not choose to be born into poverty or disease.

I'm part of a club at school called Not For Sale, a modern-day abolitionist group.  I was wandering through all the club's stalls at the beginning of the year, and the sheet of paper I was handed at this particular club's table was too much to ignore.

It told me that:

- Human trafficking is defined as the recruitment and transportation of persons within or across boundaries by force, fraud, or deception for the purpose of exploiting them economically.

- Today there are 27 million people enslaved, more than at the peak of the TransAtlantic Slave Trade.

- Human trafficking is the third largest and fastest growing illegal trafficking activity in the world; a $32-billion a year enterprise.

- The average price of a slave is $90.

- 80% of victims are women.  50% of victims are children.

- Every minute, two more children are forced into slavery.

- One million children are forced to work in the sex industry every day.

- An estimated 200,000 people (potentially more) are enslaved in the US today, and every year the slave population of the US grows 17,000 more.

These facts don't sound outrageously fake.  They weren't written to be sensational; they were just plain and obvious, and held their own power.  I couldn't ignore the information I had been given.

Later in the semester, when we were going around the dorms collecting change for a fundraiser, I was surprised at the number of people who asked us if we were for real, who thought that slavery was done with Abraham Lincoln and his emancipation proclamation, and who were genuinely shocked not only to hear that there were so many slaves in the world today - but so many in the US too!

So, I've bought a book and bookmarked a website that rate companies on how socially responsible they are; that way, I can be a conscientious consumer.  It's the law of supply and demand; if a company begins losing profit because of their practices, then if they want to survive they'll have to change those practices.  I doubt my single-person purchases will make such a difference, but I refuse to support those companies, and I will continue to tell others about them.

Like I said, I'm well aware that person enslaved could have been me.  I'm also well aware that, since it could have been me, and since I have so much opportunity and possibility to earn money,  I have an obligation to these people who don't have those opportunities, to do what I can for them. 

If any of these facts had you sad or shocked, check out the websites listed below:

www.notforsalecampaign.org  - Lots of information on what is going on, and what you can do to help. There is also a book, Not for Sale, written by David Batstone.
www.slaverymap.org - A map of the US, showing locations where slavery has been reported.  You can zoom in and click on the flags to see descriptions of the incidents.
Free2Work.org - a website that rates companies - giving them grades from A to F - regarding slave labor.
Also check out The Better World Shopping Guide, a book that fits in your purse or pocket and rates products you might see in a supermarket or clothing store on their social and environmental responsibility.