Dear Blog:
I have a confession to make...
I judge books by their covers.
I was standing in the library today, looking at the "new" shelf, filled with books I hadn't seen before or heard of before, and I was picking them up based on their covers. If it looked like the same cover as five-hundred other detective-action-mystery-thriller-page-turners, I would ignore it. If it had a name I recognized boldly splashed across the spine, I snapped it up. If it was plain, I would assume it was serious and judge the description from that point of view.
Do I do this to people too? I hope not. I certainly know that I get judged based on the way I look (and looked, back before I had my hemangioma removed), and I don't like it, because I know what people think is nothing like who I am. And given that I'm not a book snob, and find that I quite like most tomes that I actually bother to pick up, I should know that many of these principles do work with actual living people too.
Perhaps something I must become aware of.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Invincibility
Dear Blog,
I'm going to be honest; some days, I act like I'm invincible. I have a week like this week; a week where, despite my lack of enough sleep and my constant running around, I still have enough energy to not only survive the week, but enjoy it. Then yesterday afternoon, still flying high off my fantastic week, I decided to take a stroll along one of the two neighborhood trails.
You see, Thursday, I spent ages out on the steep trail, just enjoying the sun and the no-noise and just being by myself. Afterwards, I got some homework done, then went to dinner with Heather and Jocelyn and watched a movie at Heather's. I didn't get home till after eleven, nor into bed until midnight.
So, Friday should have been no sweat.
I forget, sometimes, dear blog, my tendency to overdo it.
I made it to the top of Falling Star Ave, but wasn't more than ten minutes along the trail before I had to turn back. And a few minutes later, I knew I couldn't face the walk back down the hill to our house. I had to call Dad to drive up to the trailhead and pick me up.
Normally, I wouldn't be so discouraged, but I have a goal now. My geology class is going to the Grand Canyon in May, and I really want to be able to make the trip. A free trip to the Grand Canyon! The Grand Canyon! Oh the rocks! The strata!
So, I decided that I was going to get into practice with hiking. I was going to get myself healthier, because I really want to make it to the Grand Canyon.
What did I learn, little blog?
1. I am not invincible. Even on my best weeks.
2. If you suffer from chronic-anything, you're not going to get to live like a normal person.
3. Going hiking two days in a row is a really stupid idea.
So, dear blog, I'm not going a-walking today, because I'm exhausted. I will not give up just yet - but a little reality check never hurt anyone.
Judith
I'm going to be honest; some days, I act like I'm invincible. I have a week like this week; a week where, despite my lack of enough sleep and my constant running around, I still have enough energy to not only survive the week, but enjoy it. Then yesterday afternoon, still flying high off my fantastic week, I decided to take a stroll along one of the two neighborhood trails.
You see, Thursday, I spent ages out on the steep trail, just enjoying the sun and the no-noise and just being by myself. Afterwards, I got some homework done, then went to dinner with Heather and Jocelyn and watched a movie at Heather's. I didn't get home till after eleven, nor into bed until midnight.
So, Friday should have been no sweat.
I forget, sometimes, dear blog, my tendency to overdo it.
I made it to the top of Falling Star Ave, but wasn't more than ten minutes along the trail before I had to turn back. And a few minutes later, I knew I couldn't face the walk back down the hill to our house. I had to call Dad to drive up to the trailhead and pick me up.
Normally, I wouldn't be so discouraged, but I have a goal now. My geology class is going to the Grand Canyon in May, and I really want to be able to make the trip. A free trip to the Grand Canyon! The Grand Canyon! Oh the rocks! The strata!
So, I decided that I was going to get into practice with hiking. I was going to get myself healthier, because I really want to make it to the Grand Canyon.
What did I learn, little blog?
1. I am not invincible. Even on my best weeks.
2. If you suffer from chronic-anything, you're not going to get to live like a normal person.
3. Going hiking two days in a row is a really stupid idea.
So, dear blog, I'm not going a-walking today, because I'm exhausted. I will not give up just yet - but a little reality check never hurt anyone.
Judith
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Inspiration
Dear Blog,
I just finished watching a documentary about a man (and his family) who sought to go an entire year with no environmental impact. They were largely successful, and their lives didn't suffer for it. They may have been inconvenienced occasionally (not using a car or bus), but they weren't any less happy or in love for it.
And I've been wondering about why people don't do more of that sort of thing. We all know that, if you cut down a tree, it's going to be tens to hundreds of years before it grows enough to cut down again. And we need trees to absorb carbon dioxide. We know that if you put crap in the air, it doesn't just go away. My family had to leave San Jose because my father - a non-smoker - developed a lung disease, due to such bad breathing conditions. So, we know that what we do has significant impact.
America is a country founded on the concept of choice. You can choose your religion, your political opinions - yet so many people don't seem to care about it. They don't choose between food grown locally and food from big corporations - because they aren't informed about the environmental impact of transportation, or the lack of nutrients in foods transported that long and far. They don't know that the biggest source of emissions is meat production, or that McDonald's literally is the biggest consumer in the American beef industry. They don't know that slavery not only still exists, but is in fact an even bigger trade than during the time of Abraham Lincoln. Maybe they don't know that they don't have all the information, that there is more out there to know. Maybe they don't want to know, because they don't want to change their lifestyles.
But, when I think of all the times I've been happiest, of all the people I love the most, there is no purchased "thing" involved in that. There are all these things we think are necessary, but I'm wondering if they really don't contribute to our quality of life at all.
It does bug me that people choose to be uninformed.
That, I don't think I will ever get over.
Judith
I just finished watching a documentary about a man (and his family) who sought to go an entire year with no environmental impact. They were largely successful, and their lives didn't suffer for it. They may have been inconvenienced occasionally (not using a car or bus), but they weren't any less happy or in love for it.
And I've been wondering about why people don't do more of that sort of thing. We all know that, if you cut down a tree, it's going to be tens to hundreds of years before it grows enough to cut down again. And we need trees to absorb carbon dioxide. We know that if you put crap in the air, it doesn't just go away. My family had to leave San Jose because my father - a non-smoker - developed a lung disease, due to such bad breathing conditions. So, we know that what we do has significant impact.
America is a country founded on the concept of choice. You can choose your religion, your political opinions - yet so many people don't seem to care about it. They don't choose between food grown locally and food from big corporations - because they aren't informed about the environmental impact of transportation, or the lack of nutrients in foods transported that long and far. They don't know that the biggest source of emissions is meat production, or that McDonald's literally is the biggest consumer in the American beef industry. They don't know that slavery not only still exists, but is in fact an even bigger trade than during the time of Abraham Lincoln. Maybe they don't know that they don't have all the information, that there is more out there to know. Maybe they don't want to know, because they don't want to change their lifestyles.
But, when I think of all the times I've been happiest, of all the people I love the most, there is no purchased "thing" involved in that. There are all these things we think are necessary, but I'm wondering if they really don't contribute to our quality of life at all.
It does bug me that people choose to be uninformed.
That, I don't think I will ever get over.
Judith
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Free Fun
Dear Blog,
I think some people really do believe ignorance is bliss. I saw something today about credit card debt - about how by paying off only the minimum payment, thanks to interest, it could take you decades to pay off debt. See, I thought that was pretty self-explanatory. I always treated my credit card like another debit card, except this one gets me a "credit score" so some day I can buy myself a car or house or other such things. I don't buy anything I couldn't pay off right away if I had to. That's the principle that my parents have always used. If you have money you owe, and you don't pay all of it off, and money keeps getting added to what you owe...
Doesn't that make a lot of sense?
I'm not big on spending money I don't need. I don't really need to see movies; if it's one I want to see, I tend to wait until it's out on DVD and get it from Netflix. I don't really need new clothes, though I know if I put myself in a situation where I could buy them I will - so I don't go to the mall much anymore. And what's the point in eating out, when for less than a third of what I would spend I can make my own lunch/dinner/breakfast, which much healthier ingredients? Literally, nowadays it's oatmeal for breakfast (I've been using the packet kind, only because I'm a bit rushed on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, but the rest of the week, if I have oatmeal, I'll probably spend the extra two minutes and put it in the microwave - that is about 30 cents a serving and it's super filling). I'm healthier because I've become adverse to eating things from packets, with all their processing and additives and chemicals (and, in the process, I've become greener).
Here's an example:
I dropped my gym membership. To be honest, I don't like the gym. It's embarrassing, and I don't know what to do when I'm there. But I do have a gym at school (not like I've ever used it yet, though I've been eyeing a yoga class...), if I need to, and that comes with my school fees. The thing is, I grew up outside; Scotland is so wet, year-round, and yet most of my best memories come from hours of running around outdoors with my friends. I knew what their gardens looked like far better than I knew what their bedrooms looked like. I walked to school unless the weather was too dismal for it (and snow doesn't count as too dismal for walking), and the two weeks I was grounded, and unable to use my bike, was enough to keep me from ever getting myself grounded again.
I still love it outside. I love to go for a walk. It was really nice out today, and I had such a great walk, listening to worship tunes on my iPod. I loved, over winter break, going for a wander through the hills. The trails around here are pretty incredible. I even persuaded my brother or a friend a time or two, and it's a great chance to talk (and not spend any money! Sadly, most of my friends are big on the spending-money thing). I can't wait until it's permanently as warm as this (I've become too accustomed to California; I could not walk to school in the snow anymore), and I can be out again.
So, there you go.
I would love for my friends to want to go see a movie and go out to the discount theatre in Simi Valley, or rent a movie and make an evening of it at home. I would love for my friends to want, instead of going out for dinner, to find a recipe we're all interested in, pitch in for the ingredients, turn on the tunes, and cook together. I would love for my friends to want to go for walks and chat and wander through the park and catch up. I would love to pass books on to my friends and know that all that paper isn't sitting on the shelf being wasted (because as long as it's on the shelf, it's not being read, and it's being wasted). Did you know I found out there's a lot of people who seriously don't go to the library? People who are avid readers, and every book they read is from a retailer. That's pretty screwed up. I could do for free what they do all year, and enjoy it just as much.
This has been a bit of a rant, but seriously.
Credit cards aren't free money. It's saying, "i forgot my cash, this is an IOU, and I genuinely mean I'll pay it back." Life is pretty enjoyable - really, truly, lovely, in fact - without spending much, or any, money. It's frustrating to me that people don't even realize that not spending is an option.
- Judith
I think some people really do believe ignorance is bliss. I saw something today about credit card debt - about how by paying off only the minimum payment, thanks to interest, it could take you decades to pay off debt. See, I thought that was pretty self-explanatory. I always treated my credit card like another debit card, except this one gets me a "credit score" so some day I can buy myself a car or house or other such things. I don't buy anything I couldn't pay off right away if I had to. That's the principle that my parents have always used. If you have money you owe, and you don't pay all of it off, and money keeps getting added to what you owe...
Doesn't that make a lot of sense?
I'm not big on spending money I don't need. I don't really need to see movies; if it's one I want to see, I tend to wait until it's out on DVD and get it from Netflix. I don't really need new clothes, though I know if I put myself in a situation where I could buy them I will - so I don't go to the mall much anymore. And what's the point in eating out, when for less than a third of what I would spend I can make my own lunch/dinner/breakfast, which much healthier ingredients? Literally, nowadays it's oatmeal for breakfast (I've been using the packet kind, only because I'm a bit rushed on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, but the rest of the week, if I have oatmeal, I'll probably spend the extra two minutes and put it in the microwave - that is about 30 cents a serving and it's super filling). I'm healthier because I've become adverse to eating things from packets, with all their processing and additives and chemicals (and, in the process, I've become greener).
Here's an example:
I dropped my gym membership. To be honest, I don't like the gym. It's embarrassing, and I don't know what to do when I'm there. But I do have a gym at school (not like I've ever used it yet, though I've been eyeing a yoga class...), if I need to, and that comes with my school fees. The thing is, I grew up outside; Scotland is so wet, year-round, and yet most of my best memories come from hours of running around outdoors with my friends. I knew what their gardens looked like far better than I knew what their bedrooms looked like. I walked to school unless the weather was too dismal for it (and snow doesn't count as too dismal for walking), and the two weeks I was grounded, and unable to use my bike, was enough to keep me from ever getting myself grounded again.
I still love it outside. I love to go for a walk. It was really nice out today, and I had such a great walk, listening to worship tunes on my iPod. I loved, over winter break, going for a wander through the hills. The trails around here are pretty incredible. I even persuaded my brother or a friend a time or two, and it's a great chance to talk (and not spend any money! Sadly, most of my friends are big on the spending-money thing). I can't wait until it's permanently as warm as this (I've become too accustomed to California; I could not walk to school in the snow anymore), and I can be out again.
So, there you go.
I would love for my friends to want to go see a movie and go out to the discount theatre in Simi Valley, or rent a movie and make an evening of it at home. I would love for my friends to want, instead of going out for dinner, to find a recipe we're all interested in, pitch in for the ingredients, turn on the tunes, and cook together. I would love for my friends to want to go for walks and chat and wander through the park and catch up. I would love to pass books on to my friends and know that all that paper isn't sitting on the shelf being wasted (because as long as it's on the shelf, it's not being read, and it's being wasted). Did you know I found out there's a lot of people who seriously don't go to the library? People who are avid readers, and every book they read is from a retailer. That's pretty screwed up. I could do for free what they do all year, and enjoy it just as much.
This has been a bit of a rant, but seriously.
Credit cards aren't free money. It's saying, "i forgot my cash, this is an IOU, and I genuinely mean I'll pay it back." Life is pretty enjoyable - really, truly, lovely, in fact - without spending much, or any, money. It's frustrating to me that people don't even realize that not spending is an option.
- Judith
Monday, March 1, 2010
The Monday Update
Dear Blog,
I have a lot in my head, and a blog I really want to write that requires more time and devotion than I can give it now, so I'll put that off again.
I want to recommend Spinner.com; you can listen to music for free - and even download some singles - and it's all nice and legal. Lots of independent artists, and it's cool because I've found some stuff I would never have heard of otherwise. Sometimes its just great because I need background music, but songs with lyrics I recognize distract me.
I bought (well, my parents bought me) a denim jacket from Hollister at least four years ago. It's one of those "staple" pieces that still fits like a dream and is still completely relevant. A denim jacket will probably never go out of style - it certainly hasn't in the past forty years. I pulled it out of the closet today (having acquired some really dark jeans - that fit perfectly - for only $7) and amazed myself that I don't wear it more often. It's warm and comfy and goes with so much of my stuff, and very much my style.
I saw Nobel Peace Prize winner Muhammad Yunus speak at the Civic Arts Plaza on Friday; he has an incredible vision. It's all very well giving to the poor and donating money, but his work focuses on sustainability; eradicating poverty by more than just a one-time duct-tape fix donation. It was inspiring, to say the least.
More and more often I'm finding myself becoming more open to not knowing where my life and work is going to go, and being perfectly okay with that. I know one thing; there is nothing about being a Christian that allows for ignoring the needy. I just need to figure out what ways I can help. I know there is always something more that I can be doing.
I've been sleeping better; I spent the whole weekend resting, and trying to destress. I did a lot of homework, so that I wasn't freaking out during the week (though I conveniently forgot to study for my midterm, which is Wednesday). I am feeling better for it.
However, it is 11 o'clock, and I have a 10 o'clock class tomorrow, meaning I have to wake up at 8 - which means it's time to turn in.
- Judith
I have a lot in my head, and a blog I really want to write that requires more time and devotion than I can give it now, so I'll put that off again.
I want to recommend Spinner.com; you can listen to music for free - and even download some singles - and it's all nice and legal. Lots of independent artists, and it's cool because I've found some stuff I would never have heard of otherwise. Sometimes its just great because I need background music, but songs with lyrics I recognize distract me.
I bought (well, my parents bought me) a denim jacket from Hollister at least four years ago. It's one of those "staple" pieces that still fits like a dream and is still completely relevant. A denim jacket will probably never go out of style - it certainly hasn't in the past forty years. I pulled it out of the closet today (having acquired some really dark jeans - that fit perfectly - for only $7) and amazed myself that I don't wear it more often. It's warm and comfy and goes with so much of my stuff, and very much my style.
I saw Nobel Peace Prize winner Muhammad Yunus speak at the Civic Arts Plaza on Friday; he has an incredible vision. It's all very well giving to the poor and donating money, but his work focuses on sustainability; eradicating poverty by more than just a one-time duct-tape fix donation. It was inspiring, to say the least.
More and more often I'm finding myself becoming more open to not knowing where my life and work is going to go, and being perfectly okay with that. I know one thing; there is nothing about being a Christian that allows for ignoring the needy. I just need to figure out what ways I can help. I know there is always something more that I can be doing.
I've been sleeping better; I spent the whole weekend resting, and trying to destress. I did a lot of homework, so that I wasn't freaking out during the week (though I conveniently forgot to study for my midterm, which is Wednesday). I am feeling better for it.
However, it is 11 o'clock, and I have a 10 o'clock class tomorrow, meaning I have to wake up at 8 - which means it's time to turn in.
- Judith
Monday, February 22, 2010
What "A Good Day" Is For Me
Dear Blog,
Yesterday, I felt rotten. I was tired and got so frustrated at one point I teared up and just lay on my bed going, "I'm not going to be able to do it!" Of course, I was, but it felt awful. My head wouldn't stop drilling. That's the best metaphor I can come up with; I remember when we had a jackhammer working on the concrete to get at that burst pipe, and the echo in the house, and that's what it feels like in my head on days like yesterday.
Today wasn't great; I felt physically unable to move myself most of the time. Yet, it was a good day. I talked to people in my breaks between classes - you have no idea how nice it is to not feel so isolated, even for five minutes worth of friendly conversation. I got to just sit and read instead of stressing about homework. I got through my classes, and managed to take most of the information in. I did some errands after school and ran into Mum at the post office. I got home and took a lovely (though exhausting) walk. I had a really nice dinner - sausage slice and hash browns and baked beans and crunchy baby carrots - very transatlantic. I've finished my geology for tomorrow, and I'm deciding what I do next.
So, I was tired (really tired) today, but I managed to do things. I got through it pretty well, I think. Still procrastinated some; but if I can just begin to eliminate that, that would be splendid.
I wish all days were like today; I can deal with my disease on days like today. It's the days when there are no little pleasures in life (or when it's incredibly hard to see them) - the days when I feel like I don't have any friends, when I feel completely incapable of doing things for myself, when I want to grow up and move out and wonder if I'll ever make it beyond where I am now - that make being sick unbearable. It's not so much the disease that I mind, with the tiredness and the headaches (well, the headaches are pretty rotten) and the pain; its the way it changes how I have to live my life that I mind.
Even though I've learned to be okay with being sick, it would be lovely to wake up in the morning and not feel like my bed is too small, because it physically isn't possible to sleep in a position that doesn't hurt something. I woke up the other morning pushing at the headboard, trying to stretch out - but all it did was hurt my wrists.
And though I say I'm okay with being sick, I do need to clarify something. I get asked a lot, "Oh, so are you all better now?" The answer is no. I'm not better. I'm functioning again. I can do things, act semi-normal now. But I cannot escape the fact that - statistically - I'm probably going to have this for the rest of my life. It'll get better and worse, I might go into remission for a while, but I know that some day - be it two weeks or twenty years from now - I'll find myself at that point where walking from my bed to the couch downstairs takes more energy than I've got. So, if I say I'm doing better, I have a very different perspective than you do; I know that my best is no more than 80% of your mediocre.
And to end on that glum note (though, I do feel I have to clear that up)...
- Judith
Yesterday, I felt rotten. I was tired and got so frustrated at one point I teared up and just lay on my bed going, "I'm not going to be able to do it!" Of course, I was, but it felt awful. My head wouldn't stop drilling. That's the best metaphor I can come up with; I remember when we had a jackhammer working on the concrete to get at that burst pipe, and the echo in the house, and that's what it feels like in my head on days like yesterday.
Today wasn't great; I felt physically unable to move myself most of the time. Yet, it was a good day. I talked to people in my breaks between classes - you have no idea how nice it is to not feel so isolated, even for five minutes worth of friendly conversation. I got to just sit and read instead of stressing about homework. I got through my classes, and managed to take most of the information in. I did some errands after school and ran into Mum at the post office. I got home and took a lovely (though exhausting) walk. I had a really nice dinner - sausage slice and hash browns and baked beans and crunchy baby carrots - very transatlantic. I've finished my geology for tomorrow, and I'm deciding what I do next.
So, I was tired (really tired) today, but I managed to do things. I got through it pretty well, I think. Still procrastinated some; but if I can just begin to eliminate that, that would be splendid.
I wish all days were like today; I can deal with my disease on days like today. It's the days when there are no little pleasures in life (or when it's incredibly hard to see them) - the days when I feel like I don't have any friends, when I feel completely incapable of doing things for myself, when I want to grow up and move out and wonder if I'll ever make it beyond where I am now - that make being sick unbearable. It's not so much the disease that I mind, with the tiredness and the headaches (well, the headaches are pretty rotten) and the pain; its the way it changes how I have to live my life that I mind.
Even though I've learned to be okay with being sick, it would be lovely to wake up in the morning and not feel like my bed is too small, because it physically isn't possible to sleep in a position that doesn't hurt something. I woke up the other morning pushing at the headboard, trying to stretch out - but all it did was hurt my wrists.
And though I say I'm okay with being sick, I do need to clarify something. I get asked a lot, "Oh, so are you all better now?" The answer is no. I'm not better. I'm functioning again. I can do things, act semi-normal now. But I cannot escape the fact that - statistically - I'm probably going to have this for the rest of my life. It'll get better and worse, I might go into remission for a while, but I know that some day - be it two weeks or twenty years from now - I'll find myself at that point where walking from my bed to the couch downstairs takes more energy than I've got. So, if I say I'm doing better, I have a very different perspective than you do; I know that my best is no more than 80% of your mediocre.
And to end on that glum note (though, I do feel I have to clear that up)...
- Judith
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Notes from Tired
Dear Blog,
Here's the short of it: I woke up this morning not feeling awesome, having only slept 7 hours the night before (my body needs 8), and unable to fall back asleep. I made myself breakfast, sat down to work, and got my HumTut reading done. I took a walk this morning, because I haven't been doing nearly enough of that and being inside the house has me feeling really cooped up. I got back from the walk - only beginning to feel bad at the very end - and collapsed in front of the television.
I didn't really recover. My head was a mess. I managed to work on my paper after lunch, but there's a lot of it I'm not entirely happy with. I've got the option of a rewrite, which is reassuring, but I'm not sure I'll have the time.
I've been wasting my time a lot lately. I know I only have so much useful "brain time," and I've been wasting it. I've been staying up late and stressing myself out and not getting exercise and eating poorly. I haven't had time to read or write. No wonder I'm exhausted and sick again.
I don't want to miss class tomorrow, though I'm afraid I might. On two different thermometers this afternoon my body temperature read 3 degrees below normal. I usually read a little low, but not that low. I don't want to get sicker... but I don't want to miss class.
I do want to get into better habits regarding my school work. I've been pretty bad about it all lately. I'm twenty years old; I'm all, "I want to move out" and "I want to do things myself" but I can't get my act together.
Here's to hoping my body temp goes up by the morning.
Night,
Judith
Here's the short of it: I woke up this morning not feeling awesome, having only slept 7 hours the night before (my body needs 8), and unable to fall back asleep. I made myself breakfast, sat down to work, and got my HumTut reading done. I took a walk this morning, because I haven't been doing nearly enough of that and being inside the house has me feeling really cooped up. I got back from the walk - only beginning to feel bad at the very end - and collapsed in front of the television.
I didn't really recover. My head was a mess. I managed to work on my paper after lunch, but there's a lot of it I'm not entirely happy with. I've got the option of a rewrite, which is reassuring, but I'm not sure I'll have the time.
I've been wasting my time a lot lately. I know I only have so much useful "brain time," and I've been wasting it. I've been staying up late and stressing myself out and not getting exercise and eating poorly. I haven't had time to read or write. No wonder I'm exhausted and sick again.
I don't want to miss class tomorrow, though I'm afraid I might. On two different thermometers this afternoon my body temperature read 3 degrees below normal. I usually read a little low, but not that low. I don't want to get sicker... but I don't want to miss class.
I do want to get into better habits regarding my school work. I've been pretty bad about it all lately. I'm twenty years old; I'm all, "I want to move out" and "I want to do things myself" but I can't get my act together.
Here's to hoping my body temp goes up by the morning.
Night,
Judith
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