I hate that it’s taken twenty-one years for me to realize how mean I can be.  I knew before that I could say careless things to people and not realize how much those things would hurt – but I had no idea until recently how much I did it.  It was just last week, I was talking to someone, and all of a sudden – wow, I sound so arrogant right now.  I’ve done it to classmates, to my parents far too often, to my sister just now, and I hate it because I know it’s wrong, and it’s not the type of person I want to be.
    The worst part is, I keep seeing myself do this over and over again, and I’m powerless to stop it.  It’s like watching an accident in slow motion; as the words leave my mouth, I know how hurtful they could be – and maybe they’re not – but maybe they cut deeper than I realize.  I know the power of words, the power in connotation and implication and how a well-formed sentence can mean so much more than the literal meanings of the words within it.  I suppose, conversely, I know the power of words in a carelessly formed sentence, because they take on meanings I did not intend.
    What it comes down to, is the fact that I don’t think before I speak.  Most of the time, I don’t mean to come off sounding as horrible as I do.  Or as critical.  Or as uppity.  And the more I see this – and I’m seeing this day in and day out now – the more I want to change.
    But you know me; it’s been twenty-one years, and I still have not learned to shut up.  Learning to control my tongue is so much harder than I imagined.  I love finding myself in a situation where I’m not required to say anything, or some minimal interaction I can’t get wrong, because then I can live in my head (which is probably too much of the problem as well) and not worry about hurting people.  But, I’ve got to emerge into the real world some time – and when I do, I’ve got to participate in the real world.  And that means the possibility of hurting someone. 
    So this is an apology, on a blog very rarely read, to the people I have been hurting not just recently, but all the time.  I want to apologize for taking so long to realize the effect my actions had on other people (another slow step toward maturity, I hope), and I want to apologize for hurting you, or offending you, or being just plain careless.  Because, in my thoughts, as I work, I am not a careless person – and I should not be a careless person with my words either.