For the past few weeks, I was seriously considering giving up this blog - though, for some reason, I never actually did. I think it was the hand of God. I'm not at all sure why, and maybe it's presumptuous to say it. But I cannot deny His constant work in my life, and the amazing things I have seen recently.
I see how happy Mum gets when I decide to go shopping, to go to the library, to go to work and spend time out with friends afterwards. I cannot imagine what it is like to see your child's "normal" life ripped away from her. I know my incredible improvement is the culmination of a lot of prayer on my behalf - from family and friends, and even my own pleas. I consciously decided I wasn't going to go down the path of "Why me?" because I knew, logically, that God had a reason for it. And He has been so glorified - through answered prayer , and my own spiritual development. I could not for a moment now deny his influence on my life. Surprisingly, two years spent at home have matured me, in ways I could never anticipate. I have learned practical things - like the details of running a household - and I have expanded my reading and spent much time writing. By all accounts, these two years of my life have not been wasted.
Back in August, Erin said to me that I had the chance at living a life many wonder about but never have the guts to try; what if they had chosen differently, had not gone the conventional college route? And while my sister has commented that I have suffered for the lack of social frenzy, I feel like I do not have to rely on others the way I used to; I can be quite content on my own. I know that there is still time for all of that fun. Frantic isn't really my scene anyway.
So, I will continue blogging. Sometimes I wonder if I have anything to say worth reading, but I know that some of you like to keep up on my various doings this way.
Since I last wrote, I took my first week off work for the nastiest cold I can recall that hasn't turned into a sinus infection. Mum was worried, because I was so exhausted, that I wouldn't make my plans for the next weekend. But I returned to work the next week, and then spent the weekend in Tucson with Lara as scheduled. I've been making it out of the house regularly, and spending greater amounts of time in activity, recovering after one good night's sleep. I went to the gym two Friday's ago, for the first time in two and a half years. On Memorial Day, I got a car, even though we doubted it would be possible; another instance of answered prayer.
Now that more of my friends are home for the summer, I hope to spend more time with them. They're a great crowd, that lot. I might even squeeze in a visit up North, to see my friends in San Jo', and Duh (duh.).
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Saturday, April 4, 2009
The I'm sorry it's been a while post...
I haven't blogged in a while; I was about to post one a few days ago, but I thought better of it. It was all whiny and pity-me (and it actually wasn't about CFS or FMS!), and I have better things to say than that.
Like this; the weather has been really nice lately. I've actually been writing, instead of just intending to. I've been reading an incredible book. I sent in my tuition deposit to CLU on Wednesday; it's really happening! I've been watching God do exciting things.
Life has been, even on days like Thursday when I was sad and whiny, or yesterday when I was in so much pain I couldn't hold up my book to read it, really great. Because the things that used to throw an entire day off course - the silly things - have come into perspective.
Now, I know it won't be like that all the time. But I'm celebrating while I can.
Like this; the weather has been really nice lately. I've actually been writing, instead of just intending to. I've been reading an incredible book. I sent in my tuition deposit to CLU on Wednesday; it's really happening! I've been watching God do exciting things.
Life has been, even on days like Thursday when I was sad and whiny, or yesterday when I was in so much pain I couldn't hold up my book to read it, really great. Because the things that used to throw an entire day off course - the silly things - have come into perspective.
Now, I know it won't be like that all the time. But I'm celebrating while I can.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
On post-it notes around my desk...
"All the peoples of the earth are regarded as nothing. He does as he pleases with the powers of heaven and the peoples of the earth. No one can hold back his hand or say to him, 'What have you done?'" - Daniel 4:35
"Set your mind on things above, not on earthly things." - Colossians 3:2
"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." - John 10:10
"But you, man of God, flee from all this, and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, endurance, and gentleness." - 1 Timothy 6:11
"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things." - Philippians 4:8
"Christianity is the story of how the rightful king has landed, you might say landed in disguise, and is calling us all to take part in a great campaign of sabotage." - C.S. Lewis
"We forget that God never had an identity crisis. He knows that He's great and deserves to be the center of our lives." - Francis Chan
"The Moral Law does not give us any ground for thinking that God is 'good' in the sense of being indulgent, or soft, or sympathetic." - C.S. Lewis
"Don't tell me the moon is shining, show me the glint of light on broken glass." - Anton Chekhov
"My most important piece of advice to all you would-be writers: when you write, try to leave out all the parts readers skip." - Elmore Leonard.
"Set your mind on things above, not on earthly things." - Colossians 3:2
"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." - John 10:10
"But you, man of God, flee from all this, and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, endurance, and gentleness." - 1 Timothy 6:11
"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things." - Philippians 4:8
"Christianity is the story of how the rightful king has landed, you might say landed in disguise, and is calling us all to take part in a great campaign of sabotage." - C.S. Lewis
"We forget that God never had an identity crisis. He knows that He's great and deserves to be the center of our lives." - Francis Chan
"The Moral Law does not give us any ground for thinking that God is 'good' in the sense of being indulgent, or soft, or sympathetic." - C.S. Lewis
"Don't tell me the moon is shining, show me the glint of light on broken glass." - Anton Chekhov
"My most important piece of advice to all you would-be writers: when you write, try to leave out all the parts readers skip." - Elmore Leonard.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
I've got the joy, joy, joy, joy, down in my heart...
By all accounts, today should have been a very dull day. Not a terrible day, but certainly not a good day.
Instead, it was a fantastic day.
I got out of bed this morning to the sweet tones of the dog puking on the carpet outside my bedroom door. I got into the car to find a nice splash of bird-poo on the windshield, and no wiper fluid left. I got to work, and the air-conditioning was taking a vacation (on an 80-degree day too!).
I should have been bored and tired and irritated, but I couldn't be. I was a little sweaty, yes, but I couldn't stop smiling. I've just had such a great day. I slept so well last night, and my shoulders don't hurt so bad, and I'm not that tired. I spent five and a half hours out today, and afterwards I was well enough to chat with dad, fold towels, play clarinet, read a book... It's the first time, after all my false starts and second-guessing, that I can actually see myself well enough to attend college, to have a social life, to live outside of books and my house.
A tiny part of me isn't expecting this to last. I've spent the past two years hoping for nothing, so that I might not be disappointed. Sunday was a really good day, and yesterday was mighty fine. I'm just... animated. I can't remember the last time I felt this way.
I wrote yesterday about the ridiculously cool things God is doing in my life. This morning, I spent more time contemplating my small-ness... and as I was praying, it occurred to me - that oft-quoted "Who am I?" - I'm so small, so insignificant - and yet God pays attention to me! Loves me even; He has a purpose for my life! There's something freeing in seeing your own smallness; you begin to see the forest, despite the trees.
I'm excited. I want this joy to continue to fill my life. I want to keep learning things when I read the Bible, keep finding answers to my prayers in the most unexpected of ways. Even on my bad days, I don't want to fall into my old habit of ignoring the Bible until bed time, when I'm not really coherent enough to make the time worth anything.
The coolest thing; tomorrow looks like another great day.
Instead, it was a fantastic day.
I got out of bed this morning to the sweet tones of the dog puking on the carpet outside my bedroom door. I got into the car to find a nice splash of bird-poo on the windshield, and no wiper fluid left. I got to work, and the air-conditioning was taking a vacation (on an 80-degree day too!).
I should have been bored and tired and irritated, but I couldn't be. I was a little sweaty, yes, but I couldn't stop smiling. I've just had such a great day. I slept so well last night, and my shoulders don't hurt so bad, and I'm not that tired. I spent five and a half hours out today, and afterwards I was well enough to chat with dad, fold towels, play clarinet, read a book... It's the first time, after all my false starts and second-guessing, that I can actually see myself well enough to attend college, to have a social life, to live outside of books and my house.
A tiny part of me isn't expecting this to last. I've spent the past two years hoping for nothing, so that I might not be disappointed. Sunday was a really good day, and yesterday was mighty fine. I'm just... animated. I can't remember the last time I felt this way.
I wrote yesterday about the ridiculously cool things God is doing in my life. This morning, I spent more time contemplating my small-ness... and as I was praying, it occurred to me - that oft-quoted "Who am I?" - I'm so small, so insignificant - and yet God pays attention to me! Loves me even; He has a purpose for my life! There's something freeing in seeing your own smallness; you begin to see the forest, despite the trees.
I'm excited. I want this joy to continue to fill my life. I want to keep learning things when I read the Bible, keep finding answers to my prayers in the most unexpected of ways. Even on my bad days, I don't want to fall into my old habit of ignoring the Bible until bed time, when I'm not really coherent enough to make the time worth anything.
The coolest thing; tomorrow looks like another great day.
Monday, March 16, 2009
Sight
My dear blog...
Things have been changing in my life lately. I asked God to show me who He is; I began trying to look for him, because I needed to see him at work. And I've been reading Exodus; the picture of a God fearsome and powerful, wrathful and massive. But then it occurred to me - all of this majesty and magnificence was contained in one person, no bigger or more beautiful than you or I - what a sight it must have been to look upon Jesus, to those who recognized who he was! Then onward, to think that we tiny, silly, selfish things tore that perfect man apart - God! - I began crying.
It seems that I begin to understand one thing - and suddenly I understand two or three more. How inexplicable is God - he never does things by halves! The Bible has been coming alive for me; no longer just stories, like cartoons and badly-made movies. I'm seeing it in my head; seeing how I would have reacted, how these people must have felt.
I, who once led such a purposeless life, am beginning to see my place in the world. I'm beginning to hear what I am called to do. I was so spiritually blah for a while; I don't want to go back there. I don't ever want to become so complacent again.
Here's to change!
Things have been changing in my life lately. I asked God to show me who He is; I began trying to look for him, because I needed to see him at work. And I've been reading Exodus; the picture of a God fearsome and powerful, wrathful and massive. But then it occurred to me - all of this majesty and magnificence was contained in one person, no bigger or more beautiful than you or I - what a sight it must have been to look upon Jesus, to those who recognized who he was! Then onward, to think that we tiny, silly, selfish things tore that perfect man apart - God! - I began crying.
It seems that I begin to understand one thing - and suddenly I understand two or three more. How inexplicable is God - he never does things by halves! The Bible has been coming alive for me; no longer just stories, like cartoons and badly-made movies. I'm seeing it in my head; seeing how I would have reacted, how these people must have felt.
I, who once led such a purposeless life, am beginning to see my place in the world. I'm beginning to hear what I am called to do. I was so spiritually blah for a while; I don't want to go back there. I don't ever want to become so complacent again.
Here's to change!
Thursday, February 26, 2009
The Medicine I Need the Most
This week has been unemotional. I don't really mean that in a good way.
I read my Bible every day, and pay attention to the words, think about what they mean. I make connections and begin to see those famous verses in their original contexts. I've learned a lot. I pray every day, and I love the time I spend in prayer - how I can talk to my Lord about anything, and know that he listens.
But this past week I've been just so blah. I read it and I get it and I even remember it afterward, but my heart doesn't stir; I don't feel that fire burning in my chest when I just need to celebrate God, to share Him, to surround myself in His Words and His presence. It's tempting to blame it on my medication - I'm on anti-depressants, some people just don't feel anything, on and on. But I don't think it's that, because I can get passionate and angry and sad and excited on the meds. And there's nothing wrong with God; he's the great mechanic - he isn't broken.
So, my conclusion is, there's something wrong with me. And I see it in my life; I make all these promises to the Lord - prayer throughout the day, the attitude I will have toward things, the way I will spend more time usefully to glorify Him. Yet I continue to put junk into my mind, to choose to daydream instead of pray, to waste time on Facebook instead of having a conversation with a friend who doesn't know Him.
And I make - and break - these promises to God every day! And every day He shows me something new, teaches me something new; yet my attitude keeps pushing Him away.
I don't need a change of heart; I need a transplant. Take out the old, me-motivated monster, and replace it with a spirit-filled heart.
A few weeks ago, I asked God to humble me, to show me that I cannot do it on my own. He has. I keep trying to do it on my own, and I can't. My own determination is nothing more than that. I don't know if the lesson has sunk in further than my brain yet, but I keep pressing on; I so dearly want to be someone worthy of the title "Christian." And the conundrum is this; I can't do it on my own, but I have to choose to let the great God-surgeon in to do His work.
We're working on it.
I read my Bible every day, and pay attention to the words, think about what they mean. I make connections and begin to see those famous verses in their original contexts. I've learned a lot. I pray every day, and I love the time I spend in prayer - how I can talk to my Lord about anything, and know that he listens.
But this past week I've been just so blah. I read it and I get it and I even remember it afterward, but my heart doesn't stir; I don't feel that fire burning in my chest when I just need to celebrate God, to share Him, to surround myself in His Words and His presence. It's tempting to blame it on my medication - I'm on anti-depressants, some people just don't feel anything, on and on. But I don't think it's that, because I can get passionate and angry and sad and excited on the meds. And there's nothing wrong with God; he's the great mechanic - he isn't broken.
So, my conclusion is, there's something wrong with me. And I see it in my life; I make all these promises to the Lord - prayer throughout the day, the attitude I will have toward things, the way I will spend more time usefully to glorify Him. Yet I continue to put junk into my mind, to choose to daydream instead of pray, to waste time on Facebook instead of having a conversation with a friend who doesn't know Him.
And I make - and break - these promises to God every day! And every day He shows me something new, teaches me something new; yet my attitude keeps pushing Him away.
I don't need a change of heart; I need a transplant. Take out the old, me-motivated monster, and replace it with a spirit-filled heart.
A few weeks ago, I asked God to humble me, to show me that I cannot do it on my own. He has. I keep trying to do it on my own, and I can't. My own determination is nothing more than that. I don't know if the lesson has sunk in further than my brain yet, but I keep pressing on; I so dearly want to be someone worthy of the title "Christian." And the conundrum is this; I can't do it on my own, but I have to choose to let the great God-surgeon in to do His work.
We're working on it.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
About Nothing At All
Here I am, blogging with nothing to write.
Life has been good lately. Each day went by and I felt like, wow, I'm okay with that. Maybe I'm just learning not to beat myself up over things I've already been forgiven for, and instead look forward to doing better the next day. Maybe I am, in fact, doing better each day.
Yesterday was one of those days where I realize that the good life doesn't last. That, for every good day, I'm going to have to wade through a few sucky days. Today, however, has not been - so far - a sucky day.
This past week I picked up the clarinet again. Just because I wanted to; and I'm enjoying it. Not like I've done a lot of playing, and not like I'm very good - but I forgot how much I loved to play. It always seemed odd to love music without being truly passionate about it, when I know my talents lie in other areas. Yet I'm looking forward to being able to play more and better things.
In other news, I got my new passport picture taken today. I look like a surprised person sucking on lemon, simultaneously. I think there's a rule about official photographs - school ID, driver's license, passport; they all must look like crap, or you're not doing it right.
Off to play Mario Kart with Squeaker. See ya folks.
Life has been good lately. Each day went by and I felt like, wow, I'm okay with that. Maybe I'm just learning not to beat myself up over things I've already been forgiven for, and instead look forward to doing better the next day. Maybe I am, in fact, doing better each day.
Yesterday was one of those days where I realize that the good life doesn't last. That, for every good day, I'm going to have to wade through a few sucky days. Today, however, has not been - so far - a sucky day.
This past week I picked up the clarinet again. Just because I wanted to; and I'm enjoying it. Not like I've done a lot of playing, and not like I'm very good - but I forgot how much I loved to play. It always seemed odd to love music without being truly passionate about it, when I know my talents lie in other areas. Yet I'm looking forward to being able to play more and better things.
In other news, I got my new passport picture taken today. I look like a surprised person sucking on lemon, simultaneously. I think there's a rule about official photographs - school ID, driver's license, passport; they all must look like crap, or you're not doing it right.
Off to play Mario Kart with Squeaker. See ya folks.
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